


I'm a Goner

by recklessweightless



Series: I'm a Goner [1]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Child Abuse, Depression, Domestic Violence, Explicit Language, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mental Institutions, Oral Sex, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-08 12:32:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 44,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4305225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/recklessweightless/pseuds/recklessweightless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor Stevens is infamous at Anchor Beach. Usually partying, screwing over girls, and rarely seen in class. He has no friends and never lets anyone in. Until the school gets new vice principal and Jude Adams Foster enters his life. And Jude might be the only thing that can crack Connor’s armor. But can Jude get through to Connor before it's too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On the Run and Go

_Beep Beep Beep_

An alarm blared through my bedroom and I reached out from under a tangled bedspread and slammed my hand on the snooze button.

I flipped the blanket off of my face and sighed. I still don’t understand why I always sleep with my whole body under a blanket, including my head. But considering I’ve been doing it since I’ve slept in an actual bed, I just accepted it.

I finally opened my eyes and stared at a blinding white ceiling.

Another day in hell.

I didn’t move for a few minutes, just stared straight up and tried to convince myself to get out of bed. I set my alarm for 10 minutes before school started and it was a 5 minute drive. I was pretty much convinced that the student body counted on me to be late at this point. After all, I hadn’t been on time since 7th grade. I couldn’t kill 4 and a half years of expectations.

However, as much as I wanted to lay in bed until after the bell rang, I heard footsteps pounding down the hall and jumped up immediately.

I grabbed a pair of jeans from the floor where I had left them the night before and pulled them on, then pulled a plaid shirt out of the closet and stuck my arms through the sleeves. Then I shoved my feet into my old, worn out black sneakers and grabbed my book bag, moving towards my window at the same time.

When I got there, I shoved the window open and climbed out onto the porch roof as my father’s fist pounded on my bedroom door and then slid off the roof, landing on my hands and feet on the ground.

As my dad yelled and swung my door open, I climbed into the driver’s seat of my old jeep and started it up, backing out of the driveway and finally buttoning the shirt I had thrown on at the same time.

Another morning of successfully avoiding contact with Adam Stevens achieved.

 

I pulled into my parking space at Anchor Beach as soon as the final bell for first period rang through the halls. I eased on to the breaks and put the jeep in park. My jeep was the only thing I owned that I actually took care of, because it was the only thing that had no connection to my dad. I got a job as soon as I was old enough and saved every cent I owned until I could buy my 20 year old car for myself shortly before my 17th birthday. The only way I could escape my family whenever I wanted.

I climbed out of the car and swung a book bag strap over my shoulder, casually walking towards the school. I was late already. There was no point in rushing now.

But while I was walking down the sidewalk along the beach, another car pulled into the parking lot late and a black woman climbed out of the driver’s seat. She looked stressed and rushed, and started to dig through the back seat, pulling out a couple bags and a mess of papers and folders.

While she was clearing out her back seat, the passenger door swung open and someone stepped out.

Now I’m not one to use romance movie clichés, but I fucking swear to god, time slowed down when this kid stepped out of the car. He was about my height, but pretty lanky with shaggy brown hair that he ran his fingers through as his feet hit the ground. He had thin lips that curled into the brightest smile at something the woman said. The smile broke into a laugh that echoed through the courtyard and made a smile play at my mouth when it hit my ears. He was wearing slightly loose skinny jeans, black Vans, and some obscure band tee that fell perfectly on his skinny frame.

Okay, so yeah, I’m really gay. I don’t admit it to myself often, but this kid sent the word pounding through my brain. The longer I looked at him, the more “Connor, you’re fucking gay as shit” rang through my thoughts. But the school loner and rebel and bad guy isn’t supposed to be gay. So I don’t date and claim that I hate commitment and fuck girls every now and then. But that kid. He made me feel things no girl ever did or ever could.

However, I apparently let my eyes hang on him too long, because as he was walking into the school building and talking to the woman, his eyes locked on mine and he started walking towards me instead.

“Looking at something?” he asked when he was about 2 feet in front of me.

His voice seemed too deep to come out of his body and I almost couldn’t help getting lost in his chocolate brown eyes when he was that close.

But I forced myself to look away and I glanced to the right then back at his face, hoping I appeared more casual.

“No, not really. Just investigating the new kid. I have to size up my competition.”

“Well, if you mean dating competition, you don’t have to worry. I don’t date.”

“Me either. Doesn’t mean you won’t be competition.”

The boy raised his eyebrows at me.

“As fascinating as this conversation is, my mom is the new vice principal and I’m already late. I probably shouldn’t be any later.”

He turned and started to walk away and then stopped and turned back to look at me.

“Are you planning on going to class?”

I shrugged. “I’m getting there.”

He rolled his eyes.

“Okay weirdo.”

He sighed and looked like he was about to start walking again, then seemed to change his mind.

“I’m Jude, by the way.”

I shot him a half smile before saying, “Connor.”

He smiled at me politely, nothing like that earth shattering, cloud breaking smile I saw before, and turned away from me, jogging to catch up with who I could only assume was his mom.

“Jude.” I mumbled the name to myself, trying to ignore how nice it felt coming off of my tongue as I continued to make my way to class.


	2. Fake You Out

The rest of the day went by way too slowly, even with skipping class after lunch so I could drive across town and get a decent burger.

When it finally came time for English, my last class of the day, I almost left school early, but for some reason, I showed up in the classroom before the bell. When I got there, I saw Jude sitting in the normally empty desk next to mine. I smirked at him as I took my seat.

“Well, hello again, vice principal’s pet.”

“Hello wannabe rebel.”

I narrowed my eyes at him slightly, but didn’t say anything.

The class passed mostly without issue, although Jude did shoot me looks every now and then.

But at the end of class, Timothy decided to make my life a lot more difficult.

“Okay, everyone, I have an assignment for you. I want you to pick one of our readings from the year so far and write a story in the same style as that novel. The catch is that you’ll be working in pairs. I want you to not only learn how to imitate someone else’s writing style, but also learn how to work together on something that is typically done alone. Oh and also, you don’t get to pick your own partners.”

He then went around the room pointing out pairs. When he reached me, he pointed to Jude and me and moved on.

I looked over at Jude and he awkwardly smiled at me and nodded in my direction.

Timothy walked back to the front of the classroom and turned to face us.

“Also, I haven’t set the due date for this yet, but it will be soon, so don’t put it off!”  
As he finished his sentence, the bell rang and the whole class jumped up and headed towards the door.

Jude followed directly behind me as I walked into the hallway.

“So, do you wanna come over and start working?”

I looked at him with disbelief.

“You don’t seriously want to start working on this the day it was assigned, do you?”

Jude shrugged at me.

“Why not? Timothy did say not to put it off. Also, weird that you call a teacher by his first name.”

Now it was my turn to shrug.

“Charter school.” I paused and sighed. “Fine, I’ll come over. You want me to drive you?”  
Jude nodded and we headed towards the parking lot.

We climbed into my car and Jude texted his mom as I pulled onto the road.

Jude navigated me to his house, which turned out to be only a couple miles away from mine, and in between telling me where to turn, told me a little about his siblings and his moms and his adoption. He seemed to have an issue with not talking.

As I started to turn into his driveway, my phone started going off in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw “dad” on the caller ID and took in a deep breath before answering the call.

As soon as the phone touched my ear, my dad’s voice screamed through the speaker.

I glanced at Jude and cranked the volume down on my phone so he couldn’t hear my dad cursing at me and reminding me that I was a useless and worthless disappointment.

When he was done ranting and yelling I said, “Okay dad” and hung up.

I looked at Jude who was looking back at me with furrowed brows and a concerned frown.

“So, I can’t stay and work on the project. My dad is making me come home and clean my room.”

The lie slipped out without hesitation. I’d become an expert at lying, especially when it came to my family.

Jude nodded slowly. He didn’t look totally convinced, but he didn’t push it.

“Okay, that’s fine. I understand. I guess we’ll try to meet up this weekend?”

I nodded and tapped my fingers on the steering wheel, feeling more anxious the longer I sat there.

Jude glanced at my hands and then at my face, which was now staring at my hands like they were the most fascinating things in the world, and then he climbed out of the car.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, holding the door open.

I nodded.

“Yeah, maybe.”

He shot me one more worried look before shutting the door and walking towards his house.

As soon as he started walking, I flipped the jeep into reverse and started backing out onto the road. While I straightened out on the road, I noticed Jude look back at me. I sighed and sped away towards my house, reaching it within two minutes.

When I pulled into my own driveway and put my car into park, I took in a deep breath and sat staring at my dashboard for a minute. I glanced up at my house and saw my father’s face staring at me through the front window, so I got out of the car and walked inside, holding my breath the whole way.

As soon as I walked inside, my father turned towards me and the insults started flying out of his mouth again.

And the storm hit.


	3. Doubt

Two days passed after the day I met Jude and then it was finally Friday. I was right when I told Jude he might see me the next day, because after leaving my house for school that day, I went to the skate park and practiced tricks the whole day. After my dad gets pissed, I skate. It’s how I deal.

On Thursday, when I went back to school, I made up an excuse when Jude asked me to come over again. Then Friday came, and through careful observation, I found out where the best party was that night.

And then I saw Jude in English.

“Oh hey, Connor, can you work on the project today?”

I shook my head as he took his seat.

“I can do it tomorrow, I swear. But tonight… you wanna come to a party?”

Jude raised an eyebrow at me.

“Do I seem like the type of person to go to a party?”

“Do I? I just go for free booze and drunk girls.”

“Wow, you really have your priorities in order, don’t you?”

I sighed.

“Look, do you wanna go or not? I can give you a ride.”

He shrugged as the bell rang.

“Sure, why not.”

I smiled and turned towards the board.

 

After school, I agreed to work on the assignment with Jude before the party. I drove him to my house, silently praying that my dad would be at work. I let out a breath when I pulled into the driveway and found it empty.

Jude and I climbed out of the car and headed into the house.

“So, any idea what book we should choose?” Jude asked as I dumped my book bag by the door and sat on the couch.

“You’re really insistent on doing this project aren’t you?”

“I’m sorry I care.” He walked over and sat next to me, frowning. “And sorry I got paired with someone who doesn’t.

I sighed and looked at Jude with a softer expression.

“It’s not that simple, okay? Look, I’ll try. Let’s do something. Okay?”

I stood up and walked over to where I dropped my book bag, then pulled my notebook out of it.

“Here’s the list of the books we’ve read so far,” I said, sitting next to Jude again while pulling the list out of the notebook. “Let’s pick one, okay?”

Jude nodded and smiled a small smile at me as he took the paper from my hand. Our fingers brushed as he grabbed it and I tried to ignore the goosebumps that sprung up on my arm from the touch.

After a minute of scanning the list, he looked back up at me.

“What about The Great Gatsby? That could be fun.”

I shrugged. I hadn’t read it, but I hadn’t read any of the books on the list, so that didn’t a difference. So I nodded.

“We picked a book. Now can we just hang out until the party and start working tomorrow?”

Jude sighed but I saw him crack a smile as he put the sheet of paper on top of my notebook.

“Fine.”

His eyes started to scan the room until they landed on the shelves full of my games with my Xbox sitting on top.

“You can go check ‘em out if you want,” I said, gesturing to the shelf.

Jude immediately jumped up and walked over to where I pointed and started to sift through the cases.

I smiled slightly at the back of Jude’s head as he was focused on the games, but I dropped it as soon as Jude turned back to face me, holding one of my favorite games in his hand.

“I love this game,” he said. “I haven’t been able to get the newest one yet.”

“You wanna play?”

Then, that bright, sunshine smile I caught a glimpse of the first time I saw him spread across his face and I couldn’t help but smile back as he flipped the Xbox on and put the game in.

 

We played for hours until I heard a car pull into the driveway around 7. As soon as I heard it, I turned the game off, grabbed mine and Jude’s controllers and put them back on the shelf, grabbed my book bag and notebook and started trying to head towards the stairs, silently willing Jude to follow.

But he didn’t move. He just stood by the couch looking at me like a confused puppy as my father swung open the front door and came inside.

As soon as he shut the door and looked at me, every muscle in my body stiffened and I froze on the bottom step of the staircase.

“Hi dad,” I managed to choke out. I could hear myself stutter and I couldn’t look at Jude.

“Connor,” my dad barked before looking over to where Jude was standing. “Who’s this?”

“Um, dad, this is my friend Jude. From school. He just came over to work on a project.”

My father looked back at me and saw the bag in my hand.

“I thought you were working on a project,” he said, a slight tinge of anger seeping into his voice. “So why do you look like you haven’t started?”

“We did, dad, I promise. We were working in the living room.” The stuttering got worse and I still hadn’t moved.

“You better not be lying to me, kid.”

My dad took a step towards me and narrowed his eyes. I tried to swallow but my mouth had gone dry.

“I’m not, dad.” I paused and looked at my feet. “Jude and I were gonna go out tonight. Hang out with some other friends.”

His posture relaxed slightly, but he didn’t take his eyes off me.

“Fine, but take your stuff upstairs before you leave.”

I nodded and took off up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

“And don’t be loud when you come home! You know how I fucking hate to be woken up.”

I reached my bedroom door and swung it open, putting my bag down on the floor and turning around to see Jude standing behind me.

“What was that?”

He was within a foot away from my face and I could smell Coke breath when he spoke.

I shook my head.

“It was nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Connor.” Jude put his hand right in the center of my chest and pushed me backwards into my room. I was surprised by the strength in his skinny frame.

“Tell me what’s going on with your dad.”

I sighed.

“Just let it go, Jude! It’s nothing. Let’s just go to the party.”

He stepped close to me again and his breath tangled with mine in the space between us.

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”

I looked at the floor then took a step around him towards the door.

“Then I’ll go without you. You can walk home.”

I swung the door open and started walking down the hall.

“Connor!” I heard footsteps come up behind me and I stopped walking. “I’ll stop pushing if you want.”

I turned towards him again.

“That’s what I want. Now let’s go.”


	4. Heavydirtysoul

We got to the party and I started taking shots as soon as we did. I got Jude to take a couple, too, and that’s all it took for him to get tipsy.

After a couple hours of alternating between talking to people we barely knew and drinking more, Jude and I were both wasted and sitting together on the top step of the staircase.

“Do you drink like this every weekend?” Jude asked me, his words coming out jumbled.

I laughed for some reason that I can’t quite pin down.

“Not every weekend but…” I paused. “No wait, yeah, every weekend.”

Jude leaned his head on my shoulder and I tried to will my heart to slow down. When that didn’t work, I just silently hoped he was drunk enough not to notice my pulse pounding.

“How do you deal with it? Do you feel like you’re dying? I feel like I’m dying.”

I laughed again and put an arm around him.

“You’ve never been drunk before, have you?”

He shook his head and I laughed again.

“Somehow I could tell.”

I looked down the stairs at the mess of drunk people talking and tripping and grinding on each other and suddenly wanted to just see Jude and no one else.

“Do you wanna get away from all the people?” I asked him, pulling my arm back.

He nodded again, lifting his head off of my shoulder and I stood up and reached my hand down to help him up. He took it and stood up next to me and we walked to an empty room before realizing neither of us had let go of each other’s hands. As soon as I registered it, I dropped his hand.

I turned on the light in the room and saw an empty bedroom. I shut the door partially to block out the pounding music and partially so no drunk couples sucking face would stumble in.

Jude walked through the room and flopped down on the bed flat on his back, causing me to laugh again. I walked over to the bed and sat down next to him.

Jude laid still for a few minutes and I just watched him and studied his features. I noticed how his hair fell on his forehead and grazed his eyebrows. I watched his long eyelashes flutter even though his eyes were closed. I looked at his pink lips fixed in a perfect lazy line as he drifted between waking and sleeping. And I saw his chest rise and fall with every breath he took and noticed my breathing syncing with his.

After keeping my eyes on him for a while, my thoughts slipped out of my mouth.

“Hey Jude, do you have a girlfriend?”

He opened one eye to look at me, then sat up a little, leaning on his elbows.

“What?” He asked, his voice sounding husky and sleepy.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

He shook his head slowly.

“No. I don’t really date.” He laid back down, turning onto his side. “I don’t really know if I like girls.”

He closed his eyes again and I scooted up on the bed a little and moved slightly closer to him.

“What do you mean?” I tried not to let my voice sound hopeful.

“I don’t know. I’ve never like a girl. I’ve kinda liked a couple boys I think. But I’ve never really decided if I’m gay or anything.”

He bent his knees and curled up almost into a ball.

I sighed and laid down next to him flat on my back, making sure that weren’t touching at all.

We both laid there for a while until I couldn’t keep track of how long it had been. I listened to Jude’s breathing go from slightly erratic to slow and steady and I knew he had fallen asleep.

I turned my head slightly and looked at his face, completely peaceful under the fluorescent light, and in my drunken state, all I wanted to do was kiss him.

But instead, I bit my lip and whispered, “I’m gay, Jude. And I think I like you.”

 

I didn’t realize that I fell asleep too until almost noon on Saturday when I woke up with Jude still sound asleep next to me in a strange room. I rubbed my eyes and tried to wake myself up, but I was hungover and didn’t feel like moving. However, when I pulled my phone from my pocket and looked at the screen, I sat straight up, ignoring the increased pounding in my skull.

Because my phone was flashing 10 missed calls from my dad and 4 voicemails. I didn’t even bother listening to them. I just ran out of the room, down the stairs, and out of the house without pausing or looking back.

I sped all the way home and didn’t take time to catch my breath before getting out of the car. I knew my dad would come out and pull me inside if I didn’t go in on my own, so I figured I might as well get it over with.

As soon as I stepped through the front door, my father was in front of me, seething with anger.

“Where the fuck where you last night, you little son of a bitch?” He screamed in my face and grabbed me by the shoulders, shoving me up against the front door.

I crumbled under his hands and looked off to the side, trying not to show him the fear on my face.

“Well? Fucking tell me, asshole!” He shook my shoulders as he spoke, then leaned in even closer to me, blowing liquor breath onto my face and I couldn’t stop myself from shaking.

“I’m sorry, dad,” I said, barely making a sound. “It was an accident.”

He laughed spitefully and pulled his hand back, then slapped me across my face. The slap radiated through my whole body and I shrunk down to the floor.

“Don’t give me that shit, boy,” he said, leaning over me, not slightly affected by the fact that I was now on the ground. “Now tell me where you were. Were you fucking your new little friend? Are you both fags?”

I curled up almost into a ball and wrapped my arms around my legs, then bit down on my bottom lip to keep from crying. Crying would only piss him off more. After a few seconds of biting, I started to taste blood and felt a little calmer somehow.

“I went to a party,” I mumbled. “I got drunk and fell asleep.”

He stood up.

“That better be the truth, shithead. You better not be fucking that goddamn fag, because if you are, I’ll make sure you can never fuck again.”

He kicked me in the gut as if to validate his words, then walked off, knocking down a lamp as he walked through the living room.

I sat there frozen for a minute, listening to his footsteps echo through the silent house. When I heard him stumble up the stairs and slam his door, I stood up slowly on shaky legs and walked upstairs myself.

I slipped into the bathroom next to my room to assess the damage. It was almost a routine at this point: my dad got pissed, took it out on me, I waited for him to disappear, and check to see how much harm he did this time.

I took in a deep breath and looked in the mirror. I saw a pink handprint shape across my cheek. Not too bad, it would fade within a day. It might bruise a little, but that’s why I kept cover up hidden in the bathroom. I then raised my shirt slowly and saw a large red spot spreading across my abs.

I sighed as I put my shirt down and went into my room, then flopped onto my bed.

_He’s right, you know. You are a fag. Even though you haven’t fucked Jude, you know you want to. He’d kill you if he knew the things you’ve thought about Jude. You’re a sick, twisted fuck._

I squeezed my eyes shut, somehow thinking that would quiet my thoughts, but they only got louder.

_You’re a goddamn freak. Worthless, fuck up, bitch. All you do is make your dad pissed off and scare your mom away. You’re so disgusting, she never even wants to talk to you._

I sat up and pulled my knees into my chest, letting the tears go finally. I felt myself slowly start rocking back and forth as the thoughts started rolling faster and faster.

_Stupid, worthless, mistake, fucked up, waste of space, faggot, disgusting, sick, wrong._

I grabbed my pillow and shoved it against my face, then yelled as loud as I could against the rough fabric.

I pulled the pillow away from my face, breathing heavily, and stood up with a thud. Then I walked back into the bathroom, shut the door, and locked it.

When I was in the bathroom, alone, I bent down to the bottom drawer under the sink and pulled a small, metal box out of it. My dad gave that box to me when I was kid, before my mom left, before he started drinking, before my only use was punching bag. It was to store the little trinkets I found while I was playing outside, mostly rocks and coins, but they were my treasures. So he gave me a box with a lock on it.

I unlocked it and pulled out a pocket knife wrapped up in a washcloth. I popped the blade out and ran my finger across it, drawing a small line of blood from my finger tip.

When I saw that the blade was sharp enough, I yanked up the sleeve of my t-shirt and added some fresh, red-with-blood lines over white, raised scars.


	5. My Prayer is Schizophrenic

When I checked the mirror Monday morning, the mark on my face was barely noticeable. I breathed a sigh of relief and went back to my room to get ready for school.

My dad went into work early, so I thankfully had the house to myself. And for some reason, I set my alarm for earlier and was on the way almost fifteen minutes before the first bell.

When I got to school, I walked inside and to my locker, which I hadn’t visited almost all year and saw Jude standing beside it, waiting for me.

I smiled when I reached him, but he frowned back at me.

“Hey,” I said, swinging the locker open and looking to see if there was anything inside. There wasn’t. So, I swung it closed again and turned to Jude. “How’d you know this was my locker?”

“Son of the vice principal, remember? She told me.”

I raised my eyebrows at him and leaned my shoulder against the lockers.

“Why so grumpy? Did someone literally shit in your cheerios?”

He didn’t look amused. Didn’t even crack a smile. And didn’t pause at all before firing back a retort.

“No, someone left me alone, asleep, hung over, and stranded at a stranger’s house.”

My relaxed stance fell, my shoulders slumped over, and I looked at the tile floor.

“I’m sorry, Jude,” I mumbled.

“Yeah, well save it,” he replied, raising his voice slightly. “It’s too late for sorry. I had to call my mom to come get me and now I’m grounded. All because you left me.”

I looked back up at him, and saw anger spread across his face.

“Look, I had to go home… My dad…” I paused. “I just had to, okay? I can’t explain it, but I had to.”

“I don’t care.” He sighed. “Look, you come up with half of a story and just write out a timeline. I’ll come up with the rest and write it. I’ll probably get us a better grade then a jackass slacker like you could.”

I opened my mouth to say something else, but he had already turned and walked away.

 

_One month later_

A month passed without Jude saying a word to me. I tried to talk to him, but he would ignore me. He switched desks with someone in English so he didn’t have to sit next to me.

About a week after the party, I saw him walking down the hall with a small, mousy looking girl who sat in the back in my history class. They were talking and laughing and Jude walked past me without even a glance in my direction.

Every day, I got up early and got to school on time. I went to every class every day, except for the days I had to hide bruises my dad left.

But the month dragged on and Jude still didn’t seem to know I existed. So finally, I decided to make him notice.

Before English, I waited outside the classroom and when Jude walked up, I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into the next hallway with me.

As soon as I stopped walking, Jude yanked his arm out of my grip.

“What the fuck are you doing, Stevens?” He raised his voice and narrowed his eyes at me. We were only a few inches apart and I could feel his breath on my skin when he spoke.

“I’m getting you to talk to me. Nothing else has worked.”

“Because I don’t want to talk to you.”

He started to walk away, but I moved so I was standing in his way.

“Just give me 5 minutes, please?”

As soon as I said this, the bell rang for class.

Jude sighed. “Well, since we’re officially late, 5 more minutes won’t kill me.

I relaxed against the wall and looked at Jude. He still had an angry scowl on his face. I returned his look with an apologetic smile.

“Look, Jude… I wouldn’t have left if I didn’t have a good reason. Don’t you believe that?”

“I don’t know, I barely know you.”

“Well, then get to know me!”

“You haven’t exactly proven that you’re worth getting to know. Do you have any way to change my mind?”

I breathed out possibly all the air in my lungs and looked into Jude’s chocolate eyes.

“No. I don’t think I’m worth getting to know. To be honest, I don’t think I’m worth anything at all. But you are. You’re clever and funny and smart. You’re determined and you care about people. You don’t talk bad about anyone and you don’t care what anyone thinks about you. I’ve seen you when people call you gay or whatever, you either ignore them or just shrug and say ‘what if I am.’ That takes so much strength and… I don’t know, I don’t get how you can do that. It’s just so awesome. I could never do that. Like ever. You’re amazing, Jude. And I’m not here to try to convince you why you should be my friend. I’m here because… I would be so fucking lucky to know you.”

When I finished, I took a long, slow, deep breath and leaned my head back against the wall, not being able to look at Jude again.

We were both silent for a minute before Jude finally said something.

“Wow. I didn’t know you paid so much attention to me.”

I opened my eyes and looked back at him.

“I can’t not pay attention to you. Every time you’re anywhere near me, you’re all I can focus on. You’re so amazing and beautiful and…”

I groaned in frustration, then grabbed his face in my hands and moved closer to that perfect, sweet face and enveloped his soft pink lips in mine.

I swear I felt him start to kiss back when the thoughts started rushing into me again.

_Sick twisted fag. Your dad would beat you into a bloody pulp if he saw this. You’re disgusting. Disgusting, fucked up, faggot._

I pulled back, almost jumping away from him and looked down at the floor.

I heard him take in a breath, probably about to say something, but I didn’t give him a chance.

Instead, I turned away from him and started running as fast as my legs would move, down the halls, out of the doors to the school, and on to the pavement without ever looking back.


	6. Help Me Polarize

I wasn’t sure where I was running or when I would stop, I just knew I had to keep moving. I couldn’t give Jude a chance to catch up with me. After a while, it occurred to me that my car was still at school and that I would have to go back and get it, but I didn’t care.

After running for some unknown amount of time, I ended up down the beach a while away from the school and I collapsed on the sand in my jeans and t-shirt.

I sat on the beach for a bit, watching families and couples and people of all ages talking and laughing and having fun, jumping against waves and playing frisbee and drinking beer and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying.

I couldn’t understand how they could all be so happy and carefree. I didn’t get it, because I couldn’t feel it. Everything always felt so… heavy for me. Even when I smiled, it was like a weight on my face.

I finally decided to check my phone and see what time it was and if I had any messages. When I looked at the time, I discovered it had been over an hour since I left the school. But I also saw a text message. From Jude.

When we were working on the project together, we gave each other our numbers, but never ended up using them, until now.

From: Jude

hey so obviously there’s something going on with you that I don’t get or whatever and I’m sorry about that but I have feelings too. I could like you. actually I think I do like you. and you don’t get to play with my feelings like this. so unless you really wanna be my boyfriend, stop playing hot and cold and flirting with me and kissing me then running away. I can live without you as my friend if you’re just gonna keep messing with my head. you need to figure out what you want. until then I’m done. bye connor.

I exhaled when I reached the end and slipped my phone back in my pocket. So Jude was done.

_It’s fine, you can’t like him anyway._

“Shut up!” I said out loud.

So I started talking to the voice in my head. Is that a mark of insanity or what?

_You know it’s true. Your father would kill you, the school would mock you, and you’d hate yourself. Well, more than you already do._

I sighed and shook my head, as if I was trying to shake the thoughts out of my head, then stood up. I figured I should try to get home before my dad did and saw that I was late, so I started walking back towards the school.

 

The next day was Friday and I ended up back at a party again. Not too far into the night, I found myself sitting on a couch next to a girl named Daria who I’d known since 8th grade.

We both had drinks in our hands, although I was still stone cold sober. She, however, was tipsy and kept flipping her curly hair behind her shoulder and scooting closer to me.

I was barely saying a word, but every time I opened my mouth, she laughed hysterically like I was the funniest person in the world.

After about a half hour of this, I finally got sick of it and set down my drink, stood up, and grabbed her by the hand, leading her to an empty room upstairs. As soon as the door was shut, she had me against the wall with her tongue darting in and out of my mouth. If there’s one thing I learned in high school, it’s that drunk girls don’t kiss well.

I let her pull my shirt over my head when she started to run her hands along my bare chest under my shirt and I moved her over to the bed, climbing on top of her.

She kept kissing me pretty aggressively and I tried to close my eyes and focus on it, but my eyes kept drifting open.

She rolled us over so she was on top of me and pulled her shirt off and I stared at the ceiling as she started to kiss down my neck and to my chest.

I was bored, to be honest. Every time I ended up in that position with another girl, they would keep kissing me and I would keep wondering when it would be over.

She started pulling at my belt and clumsily pulled it open and unbuttoned my jeans. Then she frowned up at me and laid her whole body on top of mine.

“You’re not hard at all.” She pouted her lips. “Do you not like me?”

I sighed. No, I didn’t like her. I didn’t like her at all. But I just shook my head and mumbled encouraging words and lame excuses. She smiled and sat up, putting her hands down on the bed on either side of my shoulders, then started grinding against me.

She leaned closer and started kissing me again and I stared past her head again, my thoughts wandering.

_It didn’t feel like this when I kissed Jude. Jude felt like magic. This feels like nothing._

And before I could stop it, Jude’s smile was in my head and the goosebumps I felt when we touched came back to me and suddenly, I wasn’t seeing Daria on top of me, it was Jude with his sparkling dark eyes and his soft lips curling into an earth-shattering smile as his chest touched mine and his lips trailed down my neck and I moaned against Daria’s lips in spite of myself.

Daria pulled away from me again and smiled, pulling me back to reality. As soon as I saw her and not Jude on top of me, I pushed her off and sat up, running my fingers through my sweat-soaked hair.

I felt Daria’s weight leave the bed and she walked in front of me, scowling.

“What’s your issue, Connor?”

I looked at my feet on the carpet and mumbled “sorry” even though I know I didn’t mean it.

“You should be. Any guy at this school would kill to be up here with me. Are you gay or something?”

I didn’t say a word.

After a minute of staring, Daria sat next to me.

“Wait, are you actually gay?” Her voice had softened now, and I almost couldn’t tell she was drunk.

As soon as I heard her quiet, curious tone, tears started falling down my face. My shoulders shook and I let out a shudder, almost curling myself into a ball.

“Oh my god, Connor, I’m so sorry.” I felt her wrap her arms around me and she pulled me against her. I let my head fall on to her shoulder and kept crying.

“Does anyone know?” She asked after a minute.

I shook my head against her shoulder and took in a deep, shaky breath.

“I can barely even admit it to myself,” I almost whispered.

Her hand moved to the back of my neck and she stroked my hair softly.

“Well, I won’t tell. I swear.”

I sat up and managed a small smile at her.

“Thanks. You’re pretty great, you know.”

She smiled back at me and flipped her hair.

“Yeah, I know.”

She giggled at me and I shook my head with amusement.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulder again and squeezed gently and I smiled as I laid my head on her shoulder again.


	7. Silent In The Trees

I decided to go home after letting Daria comfort me for a while. I wasn’t drunk and I didn’t want to be with anyone else, so there was no point in staying. At around two in the morning, I climbed through my window and collapsed on my bed.

I spent the rest of the night arguing with the voice in my head, which kept telling me that I was disgusting and fucked up and a sick faggot. But I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want anyone but Jude.

In the minutes that I got my brain to shut up and I closed my eyes, I saw his face again. Every time it happened, I would study his features in my head, every little bit that I could recall to memory.

I never got to sleep the whole night. Between fighting my thoughts and picturing Jude, I was wide awake.

Somewhere between 8 and 9 in the morning, I decided to give up on sleep and get out of bed. I went downstairs, holding my breath until I walked into the kitchen and saw my father making pancakes.

“Good morning, Con! Breakfast?”

I raised an eyebrow at his upbeat tone and looked into his eyes when he turned my direction. He was stone cold sober.

So somehow I managed to catch my father sober and in a good mood.

I sat down at the kitchen table, still shooting wary looks at my dad as he set a plate of pancakes in front of me and handed me a bottle of syrup. He then walked back over to the stove and continued cooking.

“So, what did you do last night?” He asked me.

I poured syrup on my plate and bit my lip before answering.

“Uh, nothing really. Just hung out with a friend.”

My dad’s face turned towards me and an angry glare clouded his expression.

“Not that Jude kid, right?”

I shook my head quickly, freezing at the look on his face.

“No, no, um, this girl Daria.”

His face softened again and he turned back to the stove.

“Good. I’m glad you met a girl. You never date anyone.”

I nodded absent-mindedly even though he wasn’t looking, thinking maybe a friendship with Daria could be more helpful than I thought.

He flipped a couple pancakes on a plate and carried them over to the table, taking a seat across from me.

“So, are you seeing her again?”

I stuffed a bite into my mouth, but nodded, hoping he would accept that answer.

I guess it worked, because he smiled as he took a bite.

 

As soon as I finished eating, I rinsed my plate and rushed up the stairs and into my room. As much as I wanted to enjoy my father being a decent person, I also didn’t want to jinx it and push my luck.

I flopped onto my bed and picked up my phone, opening a blank message. I typed Jude’s name in the contact line before I fully recognized what I was doing, then stopped myself.

I sighed and rolled over onto my stomach, staring at the blank message screen. After a few minutes, I started to type something, then deleted everything immediately.

After doing this a few more times, I sighed again and rolled back over to my back, dropping my phone to the mattress beside me.

“What’s the point?” I said out loud to myself. “Even if I come up with something to say, why would he even read it?”

I shoved myself up off the bed and changed into jeans and a t-shirt then shoved my old, doodled-on Vans onto my feet. I grabbed my skateboard from against the wall and climbed out of my window, and was in my car within a minute.

I spent the rest of the day at the skate park where all I had to deal with was pot heads and scraped knees and crawled back through my bedroom window after sunset.

 

I got through the remainder of the weekend with no issues and on Monday, I got to school early and waited around the area I knew Jude’s locker was.

A few minutes after he showed up, I saw him walking down the hall with the girl I’d seen him with a few other times. When he saw me near his locker, he frowned and nudged the girl.

She stepped in front of him and walked up to me.

“Hi, I’m Taylor,” she said, shoving her hand out and grabbing mine, shaking it awkwardly. “And you and Jude need to talk like real humans. Okay? Bye.”

She walked away, giving Jude a slight shove towards me as she left.

Jude sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Well, apparently, we’re talking now,” he said, leaning his back on the lockers.

I leaned next to him and sighed too.

We stood next to each other, our shoulders barely brushing, in complete silence for a minute, until I looked up at him.

“I’m sorry.”

Jude snorted.

“For what? Leaving me alone in a stranger’s house, kissing me then running away, acting like you like me then making out with my only friend’s best friend, or shutting off all of your feelings and never telling me anything even though I can tell that you want to?”

I looked back at the floor with another sigh.

“Okay, so I’ve been a shit person.”

“Well, we finally agree on something.”

I turned to face him, leaning my shoulder against the lockers.

“I’m sorry for all of it, okay? Hopefully, soon, I can try to explain all of this mess to you. But it’s a long story and the bell’s about to ring. Look, just… meet me at the beach in front of the school tonight at midnight, okay?”

“Connor, I would have to sneak out. I’d get in so much trouble if I got caught…”

“I know. But we never get time at school, we’d have no privacy at your place, and my dad doesn’t like me having anyone over. It’s the only way we could talk alone.” I paused to take a deep breath. “I understand if you can’t. Just text me and let me know, okay?”

I smiled a small, hesitant smile at him and walk away down the hallway.

 

At 11:45 exactly, I slipped out of my bedroom window and dropped to the ground, then jogged to the beach, following the edge of the sand until I saw Anchor Beach next to me.

I took in a deep breath and looked over at the beach and a smile spread across my face when I saw a tall, skinny frame sitting with his back facing me.

I walked over to Jude and sat on the sand next to him, kicking my shoes off at the same time.

“Hey,” I said, smiling at him.

He looked at me with a half smile.

“Okay, I’m here. Now start talking, Stevens.”


	8. Finish This Waste of a Life

I looked at Jude, the streetlights casting shadows across his cheekbones and his square jaw, and sighed. I laid back on the sand with an arm behind my head and he looked down at me with an expectant face.

“Where do I even start?” I said, staring up at a sky of stars almost blocked out completely by city lights.

Now Jude sighed and leaned back on his elbows.

“The beginning?”

“Okay… well, my mom left me and my dad when I was 8…”

“Why?”

“Why did she leave?” I shrugged. “She just left. I don’t know why. She doesn’t talk to me.”

Jude frowned over at me and I saw his eyes soften. I sat up and looked at him, almost grimacing.

“Oh, no, don’t start the ‘poor Connor’ face. If you’re gonna do that, I’m stopping right there.”

Jude looked out at the ocean.

“Okay, no sympathy. Got it.”

I sighed and laid back down again.

“So, when she left, my dad started drinking. And I don’t know, he has anger issues or something.”

“Does he hit you?” The question came out so straight forward that it almost startled me.

I almost said yes. I almost said everything. I almost told him how my dad took out everything on me and made me feel like nothing and made me afraid to live in my own home. But I didn’t.

I bit my lip and choked back tears and said, “No, nah, just screams a lot.” I chuckled a little, trying to keep my tone light. “He’s pretty much an asshole.”

I glanced over at Jude and saw him nod.

He turned his head and locked eyes with me, making me immediately look down at the sand.

“So, is that all your issue is? Just your dad?”

I shrugged, closing my eyes.

“I guess…” I lowered my voice almost to a whisper. “I kinda hate myself most of the time… And I’ve never really said that out loud before now.”

I felt Jude lay down beside me and our shoulders touched, sending electricity throughout my body.

We laid there without speaking for a minute and I could feel myself holding my breath, afraid that if I let it out, Jude wouldn’t be touching me anymore.

Finally, Jude broke the silence.

“Is it because you’re gay?”

His tone didn’t sound angry or like he was accusing me. It was soft and curious, and when he said the word gay, it didn’t sound like a disgusting word, like how I was used to hearing it. It sounded… normal. Like something maybe I could be okay being.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to cry.

_Not here, not now, not in front of Jude._

After a minute, I felt Jude’s hand brush my own and he slowly took it, interlocking our fingers, and I breathed out all the air that I was holding in, opened my eyes, and smiled at the night sky.

 

Jude and I laid on the beach for a couple more hours, holding hands and talking about every topic we could think of. Thankfully my family didn’t come up again and I found myself laughing more than I had in ages.

But when I snuck back through my bedroom window, I found my father standing in the doorway to my room, the contents of my desk scattered on the floor beside him and my phone clutched in his hand.

I froze in place in front of my window and my dad closed the gap between us in two steps, clutching me by the collar of my t-shirt and blowing liquor breath in my face.

“Where the fuck were you? Were you with your ass fuck buddy? Jude? I saw you texted him. Don’t lie to me, little worthless shit.”

He shook me with every word he spat and I crumbled into myself against my wall.

“Well? Come on, fucking faggot, just say it! You’re fucking him!”

“I was with Jude,” I said, so quiet it was barely audible. “But we were just talking, I promise.”

He shook me again, my body flopping against drywall like a rag doll.

“Don’t you fucking lie to me again! I know you’re a fag. I’ve always known.”

He pulled me away from the wall, then slammed me against it full force. I let out a shriek of pain and he backhanded me across the cheek.

I bit down on my lip with all the strength I could muster, feeling blood pooling out almost instantly, but I started to cry anyway.

My father laughed spitefully at the tears and lifted my feet off the ground, then shoved me onto the floor.

He looked down at me, arms wrapped around my legs, shaking and shuddering, and start kicking at me. The kicks were random and slightly lazy at first, but picked up strength as he continued.

“You’re a fucking” Kick. “Worthless” Kick. “Disgusting” Kick “Sick” Kick “Faggot.”

He backed away and I stayed huddled against the wall, tears falling everywhere. He took in a deep breath, looking like he might be calming down. His expression went tired for a minute and he glanced lazily at the door.

Then it was like a fresh fire was lit inside of him and rage spread across his face again. He turned to my trophy shelf, filled with awards from my jock period, and pulled one off, throwing it at me. It thudded against my shoulder and I let out a startled noise at the pain.

He continued pulling trophies off the shelf and hurling them at me until there were no more left.

When he was staring at an empty shelf, he stumbled out of the room and slammed the door behind him without even glancing back at me.

As soon as the door closed, I let out a huge, unhindered, from-my-gut scream. It shook my whole body and sent shockwaves of pain to every already-forming bruise, but I didn’t care.

I pulled my trembling body up off the floor and walked into the bathroom without hesitation. I didn’t even glance in the mirror, just locked the door and pulled out my treasure box.

When my knife was unwrapped, I started slicing it across my biceps. There was no calculations, no careful pressing, no worry about hitting a dangerous spot.

I just wanted to bleed. I wanted to bleed and bleed and bleed, until everything bled out, until every bit of Connor Stevens was gone and I could disappear completely.


	9. I Don't Wanna Fall Away

The next morning, I woke up on the bathroom floor, knife still clutched in my hand and blood dried on my arm. I wasn’t sure if I had passed out or fallen asleep but it didn’t really matter.

I stood up and put my box away then looked into the mirror, holding my breath.

There was a small bruise on the side of my face, but that was the only face injury. Unfortunately, my arms had multiple bruises on them.

I lifted my shirt up and saw more bruises littering my torso and sighed. When I did, I noticed breathing hurt.

I left the bathroom and slipped back into my bedroom, ignoring the mess my father had left and picked up my phone. It was still early enough to be on time for school.

I was still wearing my jeans from last night, so I just pulled out a flannel shirt and threw it on over my t-shirt. I pulled the sleeves down as far as I could and held the cuffs with my hands. There was no way I was letting those sleeves ride up that day.

Normally, I would’ve skipped school, but Jude had managed to make me promise to go to class, so I was out of the house and in my Jeep driving to Anchor Beach.

When I got there, I parked and walked inside, straight to Jude’s locker. He was there already, talking to Taylor.

Taylor smiled at Jude and waved at me when I reached them, then walked away, leaving us alone.

“Hey,” Jude said, turning towards me with a huge smile on his face.

I smiled back in spite of myself. I couldn’t resist that boy’s smile.

“Good morning, Jude,” I said.

Jude reached his hand out in front of him and went to grab mine, but instead of taking his hand, I looked around awkwardly and nodded at Jude to follow me.

We walked down a couple hallways until I slipped into an empty classroom with Jude right behind me.

“Okay, what was that about?” He asked as I shut the door.

“I… I just don’t exactly want anyone to know I’m gay right now.”

Jude sighed and sat down in one of the desks, then frowned up at me.

I sat down in the desk across from him and grabbed his hand.

“Come on, Jude, it’s hard enough to deal with my dad hating me just because he thinks I’m gay and me fighting with myself, without the whole school knowing.”

I finished talking and then took in a deep breath and held it, bracing myself for his answer.

After a minute of looking at the floor and the ceiling and the white board and our interlocked hands, Jude finally looked back at me and forced a small smile.

“Okay. So we won’t tell anyone about us.”

I let out the air in my lungs and smiled at him, squeezing his hand gently.

“So… there’s an us?” I asked him with a teasing tone.

He rolled his eyes at me and playfully shoved my shoulder back.

Unfortunately, there was a huge bruise right where his hand hit, so I winced when he touched it.

When he saw my reaction, he pulled his hand back quickly and looked at me with concern.

“Connor, what’s wrong?”

I shook my head and smiled weakly, trying to play it off.

“Nothing, no big deal. Just fucking around with you.”

“That didn’t look like fucking around, that looked like actual pain.”

I sighed and stood up.

“It’s nothing. Just forget it!”

Jude stood up too and stepped into my face.

“I’m not gonna forget it, because I barely touched you and you reacted like I punched you. What happened, Connor?”

“Goddamn it, Jude, can’t you just leave anything alone!”

I don’t know exactly what happened, but the whole sentence came out in a scream and before I knew what I was doing, I shoved the desk next to me so hard it landed on its side and stormed out of the room.

 

I went through the rest of the day basically in a fog. Jude tried to talk to me a few times, but I ignored him. He sat next to me in English again, but I didn’t even look at him.

It wasn’t just because I was mad at him for trying to get me talk, even though I was. I was mostly mad at myself for snapping at him and figured it was just better to not talk to him at all.

But after school was over, while we were walking out of English, Jude grabbed me by the arm and dragged me into an empty hall.

“Connor, you’re not leaving here until we talk.”

I let out a deep sigh and sat down on the floor, leaning up against the wall.

Jude sat down next to me, not taking his eyes off me.

“Connor, please,” he said, his voice softer now, almost pleading with me.

I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes and I felt Jude take my hand in his.

“I can sit here all day.”

I sighed again then turned to face Jude.

_You shouldn’t do this. It’s stupid. He’ll ruin everything. He’s just a stupid fag anyway. Like you. You should just run away. Run away and jump in front of a bus. It’ll make everything easier._

This time, I ignored the voice. I squeezed my eyes shut and slowly lifted my shirt, revealing the bruises across my chest and stomach.

I heard Jude almost gasp and I felt a fingertip touch my skin gently. I opened my eyes and looked at Jude, who was staring at the mess my father created on my body.

“Connor…” Jude said my name so quietly I almost thought I imagined it. He started to trace the bruises, frowning deeply, assessing the damage.

“My dad did it,” I whispered.

Jude pulled his hand away and looked up at my face finally, anger evident in his expression. He stood up and started pacing.

“Connor, you have to tell someone!”

I jumped up and grabbed him by the shoulders, holding him still in front of me.

“I can’t, Jude! My mom is nowhere, so I couldn’t live with her. Even if she’s alive, I know she wouldn’t want me. My grandparents are dead. I don’t have anyone. They would put me in a foster home. And from what I’ve heard from you, that’s the last thing I want!”

“It would be better than this!”

“You don’t know that. What if they move me away? I would have to leave my town and my school… and you.”

Jude frowned and bit his lip.

We stayed there for a minute, looking at each other without speaking.

“What if I just tell my moms?” Jude asked finally.

“No! You can’t tell anyone. One of your moms is the vice principal and the other is a cop. It would just make things worse if they knew.”

Jude sighed but didn’t say anything else.

“Just… don’t tell anyone. Please.”

He sighed again but nodded slowly and I smiled at him.

“Thanks. Now do you wanna go hang out somewhere? I already texted my dad and told him I was staying after school to work on homework.”

I didn’t mention that my father only said yes to this because he had blocked Jude’s number in my phone last night. That could wait.

Jude nodded and smiled a small smile and I took his hand and walked with him to my car.

I drove him to the skate park and pulled my skate board from the back of the Jeep.

“You skate?” He asked me as he climbed out of the passenger’s seat.

I laughed and said, “Yeah, I do actually. Wanna see some tricks?”

He smiled and took a seat on a bench right next to us.

“Why do I feel like you’re trying to show off for me, Stevens?”

I smirked at him and dropped my board to the ground.

“Because I am.”

We stayed there for a couple hours, me doing some tricks and at one point, trying to help Jude skate around for a bit. That part didn’t go so great.

And at some points, when I was skating around, I glanced over at Jude and saw his eyes locked on me with concern. Whenever he saw me looking, he would smile, but the worry came back as soon as he thought I wasn’t looking.


	10. Tear In My Heart

We left the skate park and I drove Jude home and somewhere between the park and his house, he convinced me to stay for a little bit.

So I parked in his driveway and met him in front of my car where he silently grabbed my hand and smiled at me, then led me up to his front door.

As he placed his hand on the door knob, I grabbed his wrist in my hand.

“Are you sure it’s cool for me to just show up like this?”

Jude shook his head and laughed lightly.

“Of course it’s cool, why wouldn’t it be?”

I let go of his wrist and awkwardly looked down at my feet.

I could feel Jude’s eyes follow me with every move I made and it must have dawned on him that my family was nothing like his, because he gently lifted up my hand and interlocked his fingers with mine in the air.

“It’s fine, Connor. My moms will love you.”

I nodded at him and forced a small smile as he opened the door and walked inside with me behind him.

 

After about a half hour, I had met both of Jude’s moms and his sister Mariana and had all of them ask me all kinds of questions about me and I think Jude was right. They did seem to love me.

But finally, Jude pulled me away from them and took me upstairs to his room.

He opened the door and led me inside, awkwardly stopping in the middle of the room and turning to face me.

“So… this is where I live.”

I laughed and took a few steps closer to him.

“It’s nice. Your whole house is nice. And your family is amazing.”

Jude nodded slightly and frowned at me, his eyes softening.

“No feeling sorry for Connor, remember?” I said as soon as I saw his facial expression.

He quickly straightened his mouth and blinked, erasing the look, and turned around to walk towards a bed which he sat on the foot of.

I stood in the middle of the room alone, awkwardly shuffling my feet and examining the area around me.

“You know, you can come sit down,” Jude said after a minute.

I smiled shyly and walked over to him, taking a seat on the bed. I sat down on the very edge with my back completely straight and my feet on the floor, suddenly really aware that I was on Jude’s bed.

Jude looked at me with an amused smile and turned to face me, pulling his legs up onto the bed and crossing them in front of him.

“Relax, Con.”

I looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

“Did you just call me Con?”

He nodded, a slight tinge of worry creeping on to his face.

“Is that okay?”

I nodded quickly.

“No, no, it’s fine. Just my dad called me that all the time before my mom left. I kinda miss it.”

Jude looked down at the bedspread when I mentioned my dad.

“It’s fine, Jude, really. I like it.”

He looked back up at me and smiled. It was just a little smile, but it still sent butterflies shooting through my stomach and made my heart pick up slightly.

I smiled back and finally felt myself relax a little. I turned to face him, pulling one leg up on the bed and laying it down bent at the knee, brushing against Jude’s legs.

Jude looked at me, his dark eyes sparkling in the late afternoon sunlight coming through the window, and just smiled silently. At the sight of his smile lighting up his face, I felt my own wrinkle into a smile.

He reached out and grabbed my hand gently, cupping his own around it.

We sat there for a few minutes without speaking, switching between looking around the room, looking at our joined hands, and studying each other’s faces.

“Connor?” Jude said finally.

“Yeah?”

“What the fuck are we doing?”

I pulled my hand away from his in surprise, and swung my leg off of the bed, setting both of my feet on the floor again.

“What do you mean?” The words came out quiet and shaky and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him when I asked it.

I heard him sigh and felt the weight on the bed shift, and then realized he had stood up.

“I mean I don’t do shit like this. We flirt and act like we like each other and kiss and you pretty much take me on a date to the skate park after telling me it’s your favorite place in the world. That’s not stuff friends do, Connor. And I don’t wanna be your friend. I mean… I want to be your friend. But also more. And I just… I have no clue if you want that too. You don’t make any sense to me.”

During his whole speech, I stared at my hands, which were clasped in front of me, and I watched his legs move in front of me as he paced back and forth.

Once he finished though, I stood up and stepped in front of him so that there was only a couple inches separating us.

“I want you.” I let the words come out and hang in the air between us.

I stared at his gorgeous deep brown eyes as he furrowed his eyebrows and flicked my eyes down his face and to his lips. I watched the perfect pink curve as he sucked in a breath, taking in my words and breathing them back out. All I wanted was to touch those lips with mine. But instead, I kept talking, my eyes moving between his eyes and his lips the whole time.

“I’m so scared to feel like this but I can’t keep fighting it or pushing it away because there’s never been anyone that makes me feel like you do. All I want to do every time I see you is touch you and kiss you and hold you and I can’t make it stop.”

I felt tears bristling at the corners of my eyes and I let them fall.

“I just want you, Jude. More than I’ve ever wanted anyone before.”

Jude took a small step towards me so that our faces were nearly touching and lifted a hand up to my cheek. He placed his palm against my face and wiped away a tear with his thumb.

“Me too,” he said, barely above a whisper.

I held my breath and felt lightning bolts of electricity shooting through my entire body as Jude’s face closed the small gap between us and his lips locked on mine.

The kiss was slow and careful at first, like we were both trying to fit into each other somehow.

But then, I wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my hands on the small of his back and he lifted his other hand to my head, moving both of his hands to the back of my neck and gently twisting his fingertips up in my hair.

When we had our hands on each other, the kisses got more urgent and more sure. He opened his mouth slightly against mine and I fit my lips around his bottom lip, sucking gently.

Every part of me was on fire. I pulled him as close to me as I could, wrapping my arms more tightly around him and he got his fingers tangled up in my hair.

I felt Jude’s tongue running against my lip and I opened my mouth slightly to let it slip in. Our tongues started twisting together slightly inside my mouth and then in his.

For once, my thoughts were still. Everything else in the world seemed to fade away except for my body and his and our lips brushing each other and our tongues tasting each other and his hands in my hair and his t-shirt twisted in my hands.

I felt everything in the world in every inch of my body. Butterflies through my stomach, a drumbeat in my chest, sparks in my hands, lightning through my arms, fire spreading through my face.

And I never, ever wanted it to stop.


	11. Now I Just Sit In Silence

I stayed at Jude’s house for another hour and had dinner with his family and for that hour, I almost forgot. I almost forgot what was waiting at home. I barely felt the sting on my skin when I took a breath. I didn’t notice the burning on my arm when Jude wrapped his arms around my shoulders from behind. I didn’t hear the voice telling me I’m shit when Jude called me his boyfriend. I was happy.

As soon as I pulled out of the driveway, my stomach dropped through the floor. Because I remembered. All at once, I felt everything again. My chest was aching and on fire. My arms felt like something was ripping them apart. My thoughts were screaming. I saw my father’s face from the night before, full of hate and disgust, leaving bruises over my whole body.

And I cried the whole way home.

 

_You’re shit, Connor Stevens. Completely fucked up, disgusting, worthless, sick, shit. You’re a useless faggot._

I climbed out of the car and took in a deep breath. The voice was back. I clenched my hand into a fist, digging my nails into my palm with all of my strength. It was the only thing that calmed my pounding heart.

_He’s gonna know. He’ll be able to see how sick you are. He’ll know you kissed a boy. You’re so fucked. He’s gonna see right through you._

I took a small step, still holding my breath and pushed myself to keep walking up to my front door.

I reached it and slowly turned the nob, trying to make as little noise as possible. I swung the door open and took light, tiny steps across the threshold and into the entryway and let out a huge sigh when I saw my father passed out on the couch.

_You can’t hide forever, fag. You’ll have to face him. And he’ll know how fucked up you are._

I walked up the stairs as quietly as possible and when I got into my bedroom, shut the door and flopped onto the bed on my back.

_Worthless. Sick. Asshole. Disgusting. Complete shit. Just die already._

I sat up and walked out to my bathroom, shutting and locking the door. I pulled my shirt off and added more cuts to my arm.

I sat down on the closed toilet lid with my knife clutched in my fist and watched blood pool out in lines across my forearm and started crying again.

That pain, the blood coming out, knowing I was hurting myself and not sitting back and getting hurt, usually brought relief. But this time, it did nothing.

I wiped my face roughly on the back of my hand, wrapped a washcloth around my bleeding arm, and returned my box to its hiding place.

_Just die. You can’t have Jude, not really. Your dad will kill you when he finds out anyway. Do the job for him._

I let out a shaky sigh and opened the medicine cabinet. In front of me were various bottles, most of them containing pain relievers or cold medicine. But hiding out behind a value bottle of ibuprofen was a prescription bottle full of hydrocodone left from when I broke my leg. I only took a couple of them, so the bottle was almost untouched.

I pulled it out and opened it, dumping a handful into my palm and then into my mouth. I swallowed what I could and then splashed some water from the sink into my mouth, then placed the bottle into my bottom drawer with the box.

I’m not sure what happened exactly after I left the bathroom. I know I went back to my room. I think I remember talking to Daria on the phone. Maybe Jude. But everything felt more like a dream than a reality. I could never figure out what was real and what wasn’t. It all blended together. But I know I didn’t hear the voice telling me to die. So within a week, I had finished the bottle and met with the human pharmacy at Anchor Beach to get a new bottle.

Whatever could let me be with Jude and take away the pain.


	12. Surrender or a Revel

_One month later_

Jude was my boyfriend. And not only that, Jude had been my boyfriend for a month. There would be moments when I would kiss him and want to pinch myself because I couldn’t believe I was awake.

When I wasn’t with Jude though, everything was worse. I still cut but it didn’t help. It just left more scars on my body and gave me no relief.

So I kept getting high. When that relief faded, I mixed the drugs with alcohol.

As long I could touch Jude, see him, hear him, breathe him in, escape into him, I was okay. The second he was gone, I crashed. It was okay though. I had Jude during the days and the nights I had my vices. The system worked out perfectly.

So I stayed around him as much as I possibly could. I told my dad I was doing projects or homework or going out with Daria and he was fine because then he thought I was straight.

I was at Jude’s house on a lazy Saturday afternoon, up in his room. The door was cracked, because of his moms’ rules, but that didn’t stop him from having his arms wrapped around my stomach while I was sitting between his legs.

We were playing an RPG against each other on our phones and every time I came close to beating him in a fight, he would leave kisses along the back of my neck and behind my ear and nibble at my skin.

“Jude, that’s cheating!”

He giggled against my ear and left another small kiss.

“But you’re enjoying it.”

I shook my head but couldn’t hide my smile.

Suddenly, Jude wrapped his arms tighter around me, pulling me as close to him as he possibly could and left a kiss on my cheek, then kissed along my jaw line, down my neck, and planted a few on my collar bone, which was just barely poking out about my shirt collar.

As soon as he started kissing, the game was forgotten and I abandoned my phone on the bed in front of me.

Jude kissed my cheek again and slipped his hands under my shirt, his hands on my bare stomach and his fingers tracing the lines of my abs.

I relaxed against his body and let my eyes drift shut, enjoying the wild butterflies his touch was causing.

He put his hand on my cheek and turned my face to his, joining our lips. The kiss was soft for a second but it didn’t take long for it to get more intense and then our tongues were intermingling and his other hand was pulling my body around so I was facing him.

I obliged and wrapped my legs around him, grabbing his face in my hands and continuing the kisses.

Both of his hands were on my back, under my shirt, grabbing at my skin. I slipped a hand behind my back and moved my phone to his nightstand and he moved us forward on the bed and laid down on his back.

I leaned forward to keep kissing him and his hands started to grab at my ass. I felt a warmth in my stomach and I could feel myself getting hard as Jude started to kiss my neck and nibble at it. I let out a small moan as he bit down a bit harder on my neck and started to suck.

I almost subconsciously started to move my hips against his and felt him getting hard against me.

I pulled away from him and he opened his mouth to protest until I grabbed at the hem of his shirt and started to pull it off. He leaned forward to help me and it was laying on the floor within seconds.

I leaned into him again and now it was my turn to kiss down his neck.

We had made out like this before, but this time, something was different. We were grabbing at every piece of each other we could reach and our kisses were more urgent, begging for more.

I kissed his collar bone and nipped at it with a smirk and I could feel goosebumps rise up on his chest. I ran my hand across his stomach and slipped a couple fingers under the waistband of his jeans, rubbing softly against his hip bone.

He let out a soft sigh and connected his lips with mine again, his hands exploring my back under my shirt again.

Our tongues were darting in and out of each other’s mouth, mine exploring his and then relenting to let his tongue into mine. Our hips were colliding against each other violently and I was pulling at his jeans, begging to feel more of his skin.

He pulled at my shirt and starting to pull it over my head. I lifted my arms to let him pull it off, not completely thinking it through, just getting lost in skin on skin.

And then he ran his hands over my shoulders and I froze in place.

“Connor? What is this?”

I pulled away from him and grabbed a pillow, wrapping my arms around it and holding it to my chest. Every bit of what was building up was killed and I refused to look Jude in the eye.

I felt him move closer to me and his hand rested on my knee.

Connor?”

I stayed silent.

Jude moved his hand and gently grabbed my left wrist, stretching my arm out and examining every inch of it. I let my arm fall limp in his grip and held my breath.

He took his other hand and started to run his fingers gently over some of the more recent cuts. Then he reached over and put a hand on my cheek, still holding my wrist, and turned my face towards his. I kept my eyes down.

“Please look at me,” he said, his voice breaking slightly.

I met his eyes and saw the pain in his. I’m sure mine were filled with fear.

This was it. The moment where he figured out how fucked I was and ran the other way.

His hand was still on my cheek and he wiped away a tear I didn’t know I had cried.

“I hate that you think you have to hurt yourself because he hurts you.”

I bit my lip, trying to prevent more tears from falling, but it didn’t work. My shoulders started shaking and the tears came pouring down my face and on Jude’s hand and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, smoothing down my hair and kissing my head. “It’s gonna be okay.”

I kept shaking and crying and trying to slow my breathing and I couldn’t help but think that I wished he was right.

Even though in my heart, I knew he was completely wrong.


	13. The Wrists of My Mind Have Bleeding Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends, I have two side-stories written around this chapter, and I was wondering if you want to read them. And if you do, how I should post them (either as a chapter in this story or a separate story). Please, please comment what you want me to do! And enjoy this update.

The next week, my dad went out of town for work for a weekend and Jude convinced his moms that he was spending the weekend at Taylor’s. Except when he got to Taylor’s, I picked him up and we were holed up in my house for 3 days, completely alone.

Friday night was amazing. More amazing than I think words could describe. But Saturday, I learned that Jude couldn’t make everything disappear and that night’s made the pain worse.

We were sitting on the living room couch, playing a video game, when I started to feel that all too familiar pain in my gut and the soft whisper of the voice in my head.

_You’re shit. Complete useless shit. Bringing your sick, fucked up boyfriend into your house. Your dad would slaughter you if he knew. You’re fucking shit._

I squeezed my eyes shut and paused the game, turning to face Jude.

“My dad has some liquor he never touches. Wanna get drunk with me?”

Jude made a face and I couldn’t tell if it was because of my suggestion or the mention of my father.

We didn’t talk about him. Or my fucked up emotional state. Everything was good as long as those topics were avoided. The few times Jude tried to bring them up, my face would darken with anger and he would drop it.

“You really wanna get drunk?”

I nodded.

“Come on Jude, let’s get fucked up and fuck.” I smiled a mischievous smile at him.

He just rolled his eyes in response.

“I’d rather not fuck you while I’m drunk.”

But he cracked a small smile at the end of the sentence which I took to be a go ahead. So I stood up from the couch and went to retrieve some unopened bottles from the back of the liquor cabinet.

It didn’t take too long until I was wasted with how fast I chugged the alcohol. But my thoughts were still weighed down. My gut was still twisting. I grabbed Jude’s hand and leaned my head on his shoulder, hoping I could disappear into him, maybe make the pain lessen. It didn’t help.

_You’re a worthless pile of shit. Just fucking die already. Nobody needs you. You’re expendable. Your dad would be happier without you. You’re the reason he drinks. It’s your fault he hits you. If you weren’t such a sick, twisted fuck, he wouldn’t have to. You deserve it. All of it. You fucking piece of shit._

I started shaking. I couldn’t help it. I dropped Jude’s hand and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face into his t-shirt. I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder and a hand smooth down my hair.

“What’s wrong, babe?” I heard him say.

But it sounded miles away, not right above my head. I bit down on my lip until I tasted blood and the whole world was spinning around me.

I jumped up and started walking up the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Jude called after me.

“Bathroom,” I said back, half way up the staircase.

I slipped into the bathroom and pulled my bag of pills out of the bottom drawer from next to my box. I wrapped my fist tightly around it, flushed the toilet, and returned to Jude downstairs.

When I sat next to him, he had his phone out, staring at it intently. I grabbed a half empty bottle of vodka from the end table and dumped a handful of pills from the bag to my mouth and chased them with the vodka.

As soon as I swallowed, Jude noticed what I just did and dropped his phone on the couch.

“What the fuck are you doing, Connor?”

I took another huge gulp of the bitter liquid and shook my head at him.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Connor, I’m serious.” He stood up and walked in front of me. “What the fuck are you doing?”

He didn’t wait for an answer this time. He reached down and yanked the bag from my hand, examining it in the air.

I stood up too, and with how close he was standing in front of me, it put me about an inch away from his face.

He crinkled his eyebrows and his normally milk chocolate tinted eyes turned almost black, some emotion I couldn’t quite pinpoint darkening them.

“What the fuck is this?” He asked.

I swear his voice had dropped an octave, and considering how low his voice is already, that’s saying something.

I sighed into his face.

“Pain killers.”

“What the fuck, Connor? First off, why are you taking a fucking handful of them? And second, with vodka?”

“I need to,” I mumbled. I wasn’t sure if he could hear it or not and I didn’t really care.

“You need to? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

He took a step back from me and started pacing between the coffee table and the TV. He did that for a minute and I just let my eyes follow him, starting to feel the drugs hitting my head. Finally, he stopped, staring at me again, and stuffed the pills into his pocket.

“I’m keeping them.”

“What the fuck? I paid for those! You’re not my fucking parent.”

I was yelling now and he replied with a volume to match mine.

“Well, no one else is gonna parent you! You won’t let me help you get away from your abusive asshole of a father and I just have to sit back and watch while you crumble and hurt yourself. I’m not gonna keep doing that, Con. You’re gonna fucking kill yourself.”

“So what. If I die, it’s my fault. It’s not your job to take care of me.”

“You’re right. It isn’t. You’re probably too fucked up to save anyway.”

After that, it all turned into a blur. I felt the anger that had already been building start to seethe through every inch of my body. I was shaking and screaming curses and everything was black and red and blurred and spinning by me and I can’t explain it, but then my fist connected to Jude’s cheek and everything froze.

He stared, his mouth hanging open in a small o shape and every emotion possible flashing through his eyes. From fear to hurt to anger to sadness to betrayal and back through the cycle again.

I dropped my arms to my side and I started to shake again, this time collapsing on the floor and hiding my face in my hands. I was crying and I wanted to throw up and throw myself off a bridge at the same time.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”

I was blubbering into my hands, but I couldn’t stop repeating the words, tears coming harder and faster, my whole body shaking and shuddering, my gut constricting, my heart pounding out of my chest, my lungs tightening.

“I’m sorry Jude, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…”

I kept repeating the chant until I felt Jude’s knee brush against mine and his soft breath on my forehead. He took my hands and moved them from my face, then placed a finger gently under my chin, lifting it to look at him.

I glanced at his face and saw the red mark on his cheek. The one that I caused. I felt like I was being stabbed.

I looked back at the floor and started shaking again and Jude’s arms enveloped me.

I tried to shove him away, mumbling how he should leave and I wasn’t worth it, but he just gripped me tighter and I was reminded of how much strength he held in his small frame and gave up.

I let my head fall against his chest and listened to his slow, steady heart beat as tears continued to fall down my face.

“I’m sorry, Jude,” I whispered against his t-shit.

“I know,” he replied, his hand combing through my hair.

He held me like that on the living room floor for nearly an hour, before he helped me up and we walked up to my bedroom together. We both stripped down to our boxers and climbed under the blanket, his arms wrapping tightly around my waist as soon as we were lying down.

I leaned my head against him, listening to his heart again and letting myself drift closer to sleep.

When I was just minutes away from being out, I heard Jude’s voice.

“I know it was just a mistake, Connor. And I couldn’t leave you if I tried.” He paused and started playing with my hair and I felt a kiss being planted on the top of my head. “I love you.”


	14. I Couldn't Leave You If You Let Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is technically a side story, but I'm publishing it as a chapter anyway. It's Jude's POV. Also, it is chapter 13 from Jude instead of Connor.

I woke up with my boyfriend. In his bed. After having sex with him for the first time.

Basically, everything was perfect.

I gently placed a kiss on Connor’s temple and he stirred in my arms. It was almost noon and we were still spooning in his bed, him wrapped up in my arms, wearing nothing but boxers. When he felt the kiss, he turned to face me and smiled sleepily, his eyes not fully open yet.

I couldn’t believe how hot he looked.

When I moved here and started at a new school, I never expected this. Yes, I had liked boys before. Yes, I had kiss boys and flirted with them and had sex with one before Connor. But I never had a boyfriend. Especially not like him.

Connor infiltrated my thoughts at the most unexpected times. Even when he was driving me insane and I was pissed at him and not talking to him, I still couldn’t fall asleep without seeing his face. From the first time I saw him, he mattered to me. I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but he mattered more than anyone or anything.

I kissed his lips and wrapped my arms tighter around his waist, pulling his body closer to mine and feeling goosebumps as the skin of his chest brushed mine.

“Good morning,” I whispered, my voice sounding husky and tired.

He smiled at me before burying his head in the crook of my shoulder, leaving a kiss on my neck.

“Good morning,” he replied, his voice muffled slightly by the pillow and my skin.

 

We stayed in his bed for another couple of hours, wrapped up together, feeling light breathing and skin and heartbeats and lips and laughs. And everything felt perfect.

Finally, we pulled ourselves out of our nest and went to the kitchen to get something to eat and then settled on the couch with frozen pizza and video games.

After playing for a little while and finishing the pizza, Connor paused the game out of nowhere and turned to face me.

“My dad has some liquor he never touches. Wanna get drunk with me?”

I raised my eyebrows at him and made a face. So Connor suddenly decided he needed to be drunk and that he should bring up his father within the same breath?

He knew I got mad when he talked about his dad. Because I knew what his dad did to him and he wouldn’t let me help. He made me sit back and watch while the most important person to me gets torn down.

I sighed, trying to steady my thoughts and come up with a response.

“You really wanna get drunk?” I asked him, eyebrows still raised and furrowed.

He nodded in reply.

“Come on, Jude, let’s get fucked up and fuck.” He smirked as he finished the sentence and I rolled my eyes at him.

I was not going to be drunk the second time I have sex with my boyfriend. That would be the biggest waste in the world.

“I’d rather not fuck you while I’m drunk.”

But I couldn’t hold back a small smile at the goofy look on his face and I decided that a little drinking wouldn’t kill us.

He jumped up and returned with a few bottles and already had one to his lips. I took one of the bottles from his hands and opened it.

“Cheers, I guess,” I mumbled, more to myself than Connor, considering he had already put away half a bottle.

Connor sat on the couch next to me as I took an occasional swig from the whisky bottle in my hand and Connor opened a second bottle of vodka.

I sighed at him, but didn’t say anything.

Before too long, my boyfriend was completely wasted and I felt him grab at my hand and lean himself against me. I relaxed my head on top of his and squeezed his hand, then kissed the top of his head gently through his hair.

That’s when I felt him shaking.

He pulled his hand away from mine and wrapped his arms tightly around my stomach, burying his face into my chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him, then smoothed his hair down gently with one hand, trying to calm him down in any way I could.

“What’s wrong, babe?” I asked lightly as I held onto him.

But he didn’t answer. His shaking just got more violent and I pulled him in closer to me, murmuring quiet words of comfort to him.

That’s when I remembered. This boy, who I thought was the most goddamn beautiful thing to ever hit this earth, hated every inch of himself.

All I wanted to was be able to wrap him up like this forever, make all the pain disappear, show him how perfect he was to me. But nothing seemed to help. Nothing made him better. He just kept shattering more and more the tighter I tried to hold on.

Suddenly, he pulled away from me and jumped off the couch, sprinting up the steps before I could even catch my breath.

“Where are you going?” I called after him, not hiding the worry in my voice.

“Bathroom,” he replied quickly, without even stopping.

He disappeared upstairs and I held my breath, trying not to imagine what he could be doing.

_He’s just in the bathroom, Jude._

I tried assuring myself that everything was okay.

_Don’t worry. He’s just using the bathroom._

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened a game, trying to distract myself.

Then I heard the toilet flush and saw Connor appear back at the top of the staircase. He took the steps two at a time and sat next to me on the couch again.

I kept my eyes on my phone for another minute, pretending I was engrossed in the game to not let on that I was worried about Connor’s whereabouts.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Connor slip something into his mouth and follow it with a chug of vodka and my stomach dropped. I heard the rustle of plastic in his hand.

_Did he just take some fucking pills?_

I dropped my phone next to me and faced the older boy with daggers in my eyes.

“What the fuck are you doing, Connor?”  
He shook his head and took another gulp from the bottle.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Don’t worry about it? Does he really think he’s that worthless that his own boyfriend was just going to watch him destroy his life and just let it go. How the fuck could I not worry?

“Connor, I’m serious.” I stood up and walked in front of him, anger boiling in my blood.

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t hurt himself like this. It wasn’t fair. Not to me, or him, or us. I just got him. I couldn’t lose him, not this soon, not like this.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

I reached out and yanked a little plastic bag out of his hand, holding it up in the air. It was filled with little white pills, rustling together as the bag moved.

He stood up in front of me, putting our faces an inch away from each other and I wrinkled my eyebrows together, staring into his hazel eyes with a mix of worry and anger swirling around inside of me.

“What the fuck is this?”

But I already knew the answer, somewhere inside of me. I knew exactly what he would say before the words left his lips.

“Pain killers.”

His eyes drifted shut, as if he was afraid to watch my response.

“What the fuck, Connor? First off, why are you taking a fucking handful of them? And second, with vodka?”

The words spilled out of me, brimming with anger and fear and every other emotion possible.

“I need to.”

The words were so quiet and Connor sounded so small when he said them that I almost wasn’t sure if they were real. But when I grasped that they were and what they meant, the anger boiled fresh again.

“You need to?” I yelled. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”  
I felt bad about saying it, I did, but it just came out of me like venom, me wanting to make him understand how I felt and how he was scaring me.

I tightened my fist around the bag of pills and started pacing back and forth in the living room.

My thoughts were rushing so fast, I could barely pinpoint one of them. I just knew I was terrified. I couldn’t let this happen. I couldn’t lose Connor. I would do anything to make sure I didn’t lose Connor. When that conclusion hit me, I stopped in front of Connor and stared at him, stuffing the bag into my pocket.

“I’m keeping them,” I said, determination brimming in my tone.

I saw my anger mirror in his face.

“What the fuck? I paid for those! You’re not my fucking parent.”

He screamed the words at me, our faces almost touching, spitting angry words in the air space between us.

“Well, no one else is gonna parent you! You won’t let me help you get away from your abusive asshole of a father and I just have to sit back and watch while you crumble and hurt yourself.” I felt tears bristling at my eyes and I lowered my voice slightly, although I was still yelling. “I’m not gonna keep doing that, Con. You’re gonna fucking kill yourself.”

“So what. If I die, it’s my fault. It’s not your job to take care of me.”

I felt my heart crumble, but I kept screaming, not even thinking about the words I said.

“You’re right. It isn’t. You’re probably too fucked up to save anyway.”

As soon as I said it, I wished I hadn’t. I didn’t mean it. I would never stop trying to save Connor. I wanted to save him more than I wanted anything else in the world. I just wanted him, alive and happy and mine. But it was too late. I said it.

Connor was screaming at me. I could barely hear the words or register what they meant, because his perfect face, the one that, just a couple hours before, had smiled a sweet smile at me and told me I was perfect and that I lit up his world, was clouded was fury.

Then my world turned black as Connor balled his knuckles into a fist that connected with my face and I grabbed my cheek and stared at him with my mouth hanging open.

He hit me. Connor Stevens hit me. I couldn’t pin down what to feel, so I felt everything all I once. I was terrified to move or breathe and shocked and betrayed that it even happened and I wanted to cry, not from the pain of the bruise forming on my cheek.

Then Connor collapsed in front of me, shaking and crying and saying “I’m sorry Jude, I’m so sorry” over and over and over and I didn’t matter anymore.

I saw my broken boyfriend again, scared and devastated that he hurt me and I just wanted to make him happy again and make everything okay and put him back together.

So I dropped to my knees next to him and moved his hands from his face so I could see him. I then lifted his chin up with my finger so he could see me and I looked into his eyes with a small smile, trying to let him know that it was okay, but he looked down again and collapsed against me.

I wrapped my arms around him and he kept crying. He tried to pull away a few times, but I just squeezed tighter, not letting him leave my grasp.

He eventually let his head fall against my chest and he whispered, “I’m sorry, Jude.”

“I know,” I told him, moving a hand to run my fingers through his hair gently.

I couldn’t be mad at him. I couldn’t hate him. He did that enough to himself. He didn’t need my help. And part of me was sure I deserved it. I knew I shouldn’t have said what I did. I was angry and I wasn’t thinking and it just happened. I don’t blame him for getting that mad. It wasn’t fair.

I’m supposed to be the one who’s always there for him, who understands, who will pick him up when he needs someone. I shouldn’t be telling him that he’s too fucked up to save. Especially not when I don’t believe it.

I just held him for nearly an hour before he was relaxed completely and stopped crying. I then stood up and helped him up with me and we walked upstairs silently, hand in hand, until we got into his bedroom.

We stripped down to our boxers and climbed into Connor’s bed and I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him close to me. He laid his head against my chest and I relaxed into the sheets with him in my arms.

I felt Connor’s breathing slow and his body relax against mine as he fell asleep and bit my lip silently.

Because that was the moment I realized that it didn’t matter what he did. It didn’t matter if he hit me or cursed me or tried to drive me away or cut me out. There was nothing that could get me to leave me. He was in my veins and burning in my lungs and trapped in my heart. And I didn’t care what he did to me, because I couldn’t separate myself from him.

When I thought he was sound asleep, I whispered against his head.

 “I know it was just a mistake, Connor. And I couldn’t leave you if I tried.”

I took in a breath and gently played with his hair, then kissed his head.

“I love you.”

And I knew I meant every word. Even if it killed me, I couldn’t leave.


	15. I'm Evil to the Core

I hit Jude. I fucking hit Jude. After countless nights, lying in bed with an ice pack on a new bruise and my arm bleeding, telling myself I would never become my father, I hit my boyfriend. I felt sick.

I managed to convince Jude to leave early on Sunday. I couldn’t look at him. His face had a black and blue mark on one side. From me. All I wanted to do was get him as far away from me as possible.

He told me he loved me. I hit him and he said he loved me. I never wanted to jump off a bridge more.

I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day Sunday. I just couldn’t. And when Monday came, I slept through my alarm and showed up as the first bell rang. Jude texted me a few minutes before school started, asking where I was, but I didn’t answer.

When English rolled around, I walked towards the classroom only to find Jude standing by the door, waiting for me. I couldn’t see his bruise. He must’ve learned my tricks.

“I need to talk to you,” he said, catching my arm in his hand as I tried to walk past.

I attempted to pull my arm out of his grasp, but he just tightened his long, narrow fingers around my skin, holding me so I couldn’t budge.

I let out a sigh, but nodded as he led me into the next hallway.

As soon as we turned the corner, Jude let go of my arm, looked around to make sure that we were alone, and then leaned in and kissed me quickly.

“What happened to you yesterday?” He asked. “I tried texting and you never answered.”

I didn’t answer. I just stared at the floor twiddling my thumbs and biting my lip.

“Connor?” I felt cold fingers under my chin and Jude turned my face up to look at him. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

His voice was too soft. Too caring. I couldn’t deal with it and I felt tears prickling at the corner of my eye. I tried to look down again, but the taller boy kept a hold of my chin and wouldn’t let me.

“Connor, just talk to me.”

I bit my lip again and took in a deep, shaky breath before speaking.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I whispered, feeling more tears gather in my eyes.

“What are you talking about? I’m your boyfriend, why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”

I looked him in the eye now, tears starting to fall down my face and land on the hand that was still holding my chin.

“You shouldn’t be my boyfriend,” I mumbled, my eyes locked with his. I saw the confusion and hurt cross his face as I said it, but I kept going anyway. “I hit you, Jude. I got mad and I hit you. I turned into my father and I hurt the only person I love. You deserve better. You shouldn’t be with someone like me.”

Jude frowned and moved his other hand up to my face and wiped my cheek gently, leaving his hand resting on the side of my face and slowly rubbing my skin with his thumb.

“And I forgive you. You were drunk and high and I pushed. It was a mistake and I know it was a mistake. And I… I love you, Connor. So, I forgive you. Besides, I said some shitty things to you, so I probably deserved it.”

I pulled myself away from him as quick as I could, pushing his hands from my face and leaning against the wall.

“No no no no no Jude, don’t say that, don’t start saying that, okay?”

I was shaking my head and wringing my hands together, trying to do anything to keep myself as calm as possible.

“But it’s true. I mean, I could’ve said something else, something…”

I didn’t let him finish.

“No!” I yelled. “You can’t blame yourself, because if you blame yourself then I’m just like him and I can’t be him, Jude, I can’t!”

He took a step closer to me again and gently placed either hand on my shoulders. I tried to shove him off, but he wouldn’t move.

“Okay okay okay, look at me, okay?” His voice was soft, steady, and calming and I couldn’t help but feel more relaxed at the sound of it.

I looked up into his eyes and he smiled encouragingly at me.

“Connor, everything is okay. It’s okay. I forgive you and I won’t blame either of us. It was just a mistake, but we’re okay now. And I love you.”

I nodded slowly and took in a deep breath.

“I love you too, Jude.”

He smiled again and wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me against him. My hands slipped around his waist and I rested my head on his shoulder, facing his neck and breathing in his scent, and trying not to think about how I didn’t deserve any of this.

 

I drove Jude home after school but neglected his offer to stay and do homework. No matter how many times he told me all was forgiven and everything was okay, I still couldn’t stop glancing at his cheek and thinking about what I did. Being around him scared the shit out of me.

I pulled into my driveway and sighed when I saw my father’s car had returned. I walked into the house, holding my breath and hoping for the best.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get it. I walked through the door and managed to drop my book bag to the floor before my father’s hands were on my shoulders and he was shoving me roughly into a wall.

“You fucking asshole, you thought you could get away with stealing shit while I was gone?” He spat the words in my face, placing his bicep against my neck and pressing just enough to make breathing harder.

“What do you mean?” I choked out.

“You stole alcohol from me, you shithead. Don’t play dumb.”

I shook my head, but didn’t say anything. There was no point in defending myself anymore. I could smell the liquor on his breath, knew he was way passed gone, and knew that I would get the shit beat out of me no matter what I said.

“Not talking today, fag?”

He pulled back a hand and backhanded my face, then shoved me onto the floor.

After that, though, he seemed to get tired or bored, and just walked away, leaving me there.

I sighed as he left the room and pulled myself up, then grabbed my book bag and went upstairs.

_You can’t get off that easy, faggot. He’ll find out that Jude fucked you. In his house. And he’ll kill you. You sick, worthless fuck._

“Yeah, I know I am,” I whispered to the voice in my head as I went into the bathroom and locked the door.

I pulled out the box and my knife, then tugged my shirt over my head and threw it to the floor.

“I’m a fag,” I said as I pressed the blade into my arm. “I’m in love with a boy and I let him fuck me and I liked it. And then I turned into the worst person I know and I hurt him. I’m a worthless piece of shit. You win, stupid asshole voice. You’re right. I’m a stupid, useless, disgusting, worthless faggot. Happy?”

Throughout my speech, I had created several deep cuts in my skin, a few of which were now dripping blood down my arm. I stared at the blood flowing from my skin with a blank face.

I felt nothing. It barely even hurt. I didn’t want to cry or scream or run or anything. I just wanted to stop existing.

I cleaned up the worst of the cuts and went back into my room. I dug through the bottom drawer of my nightstand and found another bag of painkillers hiding there and dumped a handful into my mouth, swallowing quickly.

Then, not caring that it was only 4 something in the afternoon, I lay in my bed and pulled the blankets up over my head, drifting off to sleep within a few minutes.


	16. Haven't Found a Drop of Life

After I crashed Monday night, I didn’t wake up until mid-morning on Tuesday. So instead of going to class, I fucked around at the skate park all day.

The rest of the week went by pretty painlessly. My dad and I managed to avoid each other and I talked to Jude just enough so he didn’t worry about me. Then Friday came around.

After English, Jude followed me out into the hallway, talking the whole way.

“So, Taylor told me that Daria is having a party tonight.”

I stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to face him, my jaw dropping in disbelief.

“Wait. Jude Adams Foster knows about a party before me? What’s happening to the world?”

Jude laughed and rolled his eyes at me, obviously not appreciating my sass.

“Come on, Stevens, do you wanna come with me or not?”

I nodded. Maybe if I got drunk with Jude, I could be with him without feeling so damn guilty.

He smiled back at me and we continued heading out of the school.

“Would you mind if we met there? My moms decided tonight was a family dinner night so I need to be home for that.”

“Okay, that’s fine.”

At this point, we had reached my jeep, which was sitting in its usual parking spot.

“So, I’ll see you tonight?” Jude asked, dropping the volume of his voice slightly.

I leaned against the car door and nodded at him.

He smiled a half smile and then looked around the parking lot.

“Are there too many people out here for a goodbye kiss?” He asked me, looking at his feet with a blush creeping into his cheeks.

I just leaned forward and placed a quick kiss on his lips in answer. He broke out into an earth splitting smile and my stomach flip-flopped with guilt. But I returned the smile anyway.

I opened the driver’s side door and threw a small wave in Jude’s direction.

“Bye Jude, see you later.”

“Bye Con.” He paused for a minute before adding. “I love you.”

I climbed in the driver’s seat and winced at the three words, hoping Jude didn’t notice. As I shut the door, I mumbled “love you too” back at him and then took off out of the parking lot without looking back.

_He’s lying. He doesn’t love you. No one could ever love you. Especially not after what you did you him. You’re shit, Connor._

I sighed at the words and gripped the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white.

“I know,” I said out loud to myself. “The whole world knows.”

 

As soon as I told my dad I was going to Daria’s house, he let me out the door with no questions and no curfew. I swear he would let me do anything if it involved interacting with a girl.

I got to her house slightly early, but when I went inside, I saw Jude already there, sitting on the couch with Taylor. They both smiled at me when I entered the room, and Jude got up and walked over to hug me.

Since it was only the four of us there, Jude stayed next to me and interlocked his fingers with mine. It was then that Daria entered the room from the kitchen.

“Connor, hi! It’s been so long.” She ran the short distance from the doorway to me and threw her arms around my neck.

I laughed and hugged her back.

“Hi Daria.”

She held on to my neck for a little longer and leaned her mouth close to my ear.

“Are you okay?” She whispered.

I pulled away from her and nodded, then lifted up my hand that was joined with Jude’s slightly, just so Daria could see. As soon as she did, she squealed and smiled at both of us fondly.

I shook my head and laughed lightly at her as I heard footsteps walking through the front door. I looked at Jude and smiled apologetically, then quickly let go of his hand and took a step away from him.

It wasn’t long before the room was filled with loud and sweaty high school students, pounding music, cans full of cheap beer, and plastic cups full of liquor.

As soon as I could, I was chugging any alcohol I could get my hands on. Jude was drinking too, but much slower, so I was wasted just as he got tipsy.

He was in the corner of the living room with Taylor, talking and occasionally dancing awkwardly when I stumbled over to him.

Jude caught me as I tripped into his arms and helped me stand up straight.

“You’re drunk already?” He asked. I could hear the anger seeping into his voice, but I was too fucked to care.

“Yeah baby, why aren’t you?” I slurred, moving in closer to him.

I had my hands on his to keep myself steady and I squeezed them as I leaned towards him. I almost connected our lips, but he turned his face at the last minute and started trying to pull me into the hallway by my hand.

“Where are you going?” I whined. “Why don’t you wanna kiss me?”

I guess my voice had gotten a little too loud because Jude shushed me and looked around, hoping no one heard me.

“Connor, shut up. Aren’t you the one who didn’t want people knowing about this?”

“I don’t care now, I just wanna kiss my boyfriend.”

“Let’s just go upstairs and get you calmed down.” Jude kept pulling at my hand and managed to get me almost to the staircase when he stopped dead in his tracks, staring straight ahead of him at a guy leaning against the banister.

“Jude? What’s wrong?”

He didn’t answer me. Instead, he spoke to the guy he was staring at.

“Troy? What are you doing here?”

The boy smiled at Jude and took a step forward, pushing light brown curls off of his forehead.

“Hey Jude,” he said.

“Why are you here?” I could hear something off in Jude’s voice, but I couldn’t quite place what it was exactly. I’m guessing it wasn’t good, though, considering Jude wasn’t smiling or being polite at all to this Troy kid.

“I heard about this party from a friend and I like parties. Relax, Jude.”

Jude just shook his head and walked off the other direction, into the kitchen. I followed him after a curious glance towards Troy.

When we were in the kitchen, Jude opened up a can of beer and drank about half of it in one gulp.

“Jude, what’s wrong?”

He shook his head and started pacing, chugging more of the beer instead of answering me.

“Jude! Talk to me.”

He stopped and looked at me, although it felt more like he was looking through me.

“You know how I said I’d had sex with another guy. That’s the guy. It was while we weren’t talking. I met him through Taylor. He goes to the public school. We went out. We had sex. He never called me again.”

“Jude…” I stepped forward and hugged him but he shoved my shoulder back.

“Not now, Connor! I’m still mad that you’re wasted.”

“Why?”

“Do you not remember what happened last time you got drunk?”

He shook his head again, grabbed another beer and walked back into the living room. I followed him and he stopped in almost the center of the room when he noticed I was behind him.

“Jude, that’s when I was drunk and high. Now I’m just drunk. It’ll be fine!”

He took a step closer to me and took in a deep breath.

“Come on, let’s just go upstairs and get you some water and calm down.” He paused and lowered his voice, so only I could hear him. “Then we can talk and I don’t have to see Troy and we’ll just be together.”

“I don’t wanna get sobered up,” I said, stepping away from him. “I’m drunk for a reason.”

“Can’t you just be happy without being drunk?”

“No I can’t! I can’t be happy!”

At this point, we were both shouting and half the room had stopped talking and dancing and they were staring at us.

“Why not? I don’t make you happy?”

“All you do is remind me that I’m a sick faggot who’s going to hell and is despised by his own fucking father!”

I paused and looked at Jude’s face, taking in the mix of pain and anger and I tried to step closer to him and started to apologize.   
“No. No no no, don’t even try to apologize for that. I love you, Connor, and I don’t wanna leave. You’re all I care about. But you are exactly like your dad.”

Everything went black again. My head started to spin and every eye in the room was laser focused on us. I felt the mix of beer and liquor boiling up in my stomach, threatening to come out and my face felt like fire. And before I could stop it, I was pulling my hand back and backhanding Jude across the cheek.

He fell backwards towards the staircase, holding his cheek in his hand and tears started coming from his eyes.

“Jude. Jude, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!”

This time he didn’t stick around to watch me break down. He ran out of the room through the kitchen with Taylor right behind him, leaving every eye in the room on me.

I felt tears start to roll down my cheek and wiped one away angrily. Everyone was silent.

“Fuck off!” The scream ripped out of me from the bottom of my gut and all of the people who were staring suddenly went back to what they were doing, almost as if nothing happened and I went running up the stairs and locked myself in the first empty room I found.

When I was inside, I flipped the light on and saw a bathroom. I started digging through cabinets until I found loose razor blades. I took one in my hand, pulled off my shirt and started digging into my skin wherever I found room, letting out breaths as blood started to leak out of my skin.

I hit Jude again. I was actually shit. Complete and total shit.

_Not just shit, but also a fag. You’re the lowest of the low. You’re completely disgusting and worthless. Lower than dirt. Why the fuck are you even alive?_

I collapsed on the floor, still gripping the blade in my palm, and wrapped my arms around my knees as my body started shaking and shuddering and tears started pouring down my face.

I faintly felt the blade cutting into my hand, but I didn’t care. I was a mess of tears and blood and it was staining my clothes and the floor, but I didn’t move. I didn’t have the energy to. I just sat on the floor, staring at a goddamn rubber duck shower curtain, wishing I could just stop breathing.

_You’re a waste of air space anyway. No one needs you. No one wants you. Just fucking die already, you useless shit pile._

A sudden knock on the door interrupted the thoughts and I heard a male voice say, “Hey hurry up, I need to pee.”

I stood up quickly and grabbed handfuls of toilet paper, then started to clean off my face and arms the best I could. I pulled my shirt back on and threw the used paper and the bloody razor blade in the garbage, then opened the door with a half-assed smile.

Behind the door, I saw a boy, slightly taller than me, with curly brown hair, light blue eyes, and a flirty smirk plastered on his lips. Troy.

“Oh hey, I remember you. You’re the kid who was with Jude, right?”

I nodded slowly, moving out of the way so he could enter. He didn’t however. He just stood in the hallway and continued talking to me.

“Are you his boyfriend or something?”  
I opened my mouth, about to deny it, before I remembered that we fought in the middle of a party in front of most of our class, so we basically outed ourselves already.

I sighed. “Or something. I was his boyfriend. I don’t know anymore.”

Troy nodded knowingly, like that explained everything in the world, and placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Okay, well, let me pee really quick, and then we’ll continue this.”

I nodded and stepped past him into the hallway, and he walked into the bathroom and shut the door after flashing one last smile at me.

After a minute, he came back out and smiled at me again. His teeth were too white. His jaw was too chiseled. He was honestly almost too pretty to look at.

“It’s Connor right?”

I nodded slowly.

“Thought so. Let’s go talk.”

He led me into a bedroom across the hall and shut the door. We sat on the bed and he started as soon as I was settled.

“Sorry about what happened with Jude down there. He’s definitely got a stick up his ass.”

I didn’t reply. I just watched his face as he talked.

“We were together for like 2 days, but he was way too clingy. I had to dump him.”

Words still weren’t coming. Troy kept talking to me, at first complaining about Jude, then complaining about all the gay boys in town, and complaining about no one ever wanting a one night stand, and saying how cute I was, and asking if I was gay. And then kissing me. And leaning me back on the bed.

Within a few minutes, I was on my back underneath Troy in nothing but my boxers and he was kissing my neck.

I didn’t know what I was doing. All I could see was Jude’s face after I hit him and the bruise my fist left on his cheek. I felt his arms around me when I broke down crying. I heard his voice echoing in my brain, the words that I wasn’t meant to hear.

_“I couldn’t leave you if I tried. I love you.”_

And then Troy and I were both naked and he was inside of me and I was crying and staring at the ceiling as he fucked me, but he didn’t notice or care.

I faintly heard a knock and I thought I heard my name, but I didn’t know for sure, and then the door creaked open and I lifted my head to look over Troy’s shoulder and saw Jude, standing in the doorway, staring at us with his mouth hanging open.


	17. Don't Let Me Be Gone

“Jude.”

His name slipped out of my lips before I could stop it and as soon as he heard, he turned and ran away, leaving the door standing open.

“Jude!”

I yelled it this time, shoving Troy’s body off of mine. I faintly heard him mumbling curses at me, but I ignored him and threw on my boxers and pants, then ran out of the room after Jude.

When I entered the hallway, I saw Taylor turning the corner to go down the stairs and grabbed her arm.

She stopped, turned to face me, and glared.

“Connor, not now. You just broke Jude’s heart, you couldn’t possibly say anything that would help right now.”

She pulled her arm out of my grasp and jogged down the stairs. I walked forward to where the upstairs overlooked the living room and saw Jude sitting on the couch and Taylor next to him, her arm around his shoulder. I could tell from where I was that he was crying.

_Just throw yourself over the railing right now. It’d be easier for everyone._

I gripped the dark wood railing until my knuckles turned white and bit my lip until I tasted blood, then turned and ran down the steps and out the front door without looking back.

I reached my car and climbed in, taking off out of the driveway faster than I should have and gunning it all the way home.

It only took a few minutes before I was screeching to a stop in my driveway and stumbling out of my jeep and into the house.

When I got inside, I saw my father sitting on the bottom step of the stairs, clutching something in his hand. When he saw me, he smiled like a predator who spotted its prey and stood up, taking a couple steps closer to me.

“Look, the fag’s home,” he said, opening his hand to show me what he was holding. It was the bottle of lube from my nightstand. “Were you out fucking your boyfriend again?”

I shook my head.

“No, because he’s not my boyfriend anymore.”

Adam Stevens completely froze. I don’t think I ever saw a more shocked look cross his face. However, it only lasted for a few seconds before he dropped the bottle in his hand and slapped my across the face, then shoved me against the wall, digging his elbow into my neck.

“I knew you were a disgusting little fag. I fucking knew it.”

I screamed at him, through my restricted breathing, throwing my booze-coated words back at his.

“You didn’t know! If you knew, you would’ve put me in the hospital already. But yeah, dad, I’m a faggot! And guess what. I fucked another boy tonight. I’ve fucked two boys. Look at your son now!”

He pulled his arm back long enough to slap me again and shove me to the floor.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Connor?” He kicked me in the gut and I looked up at him with tears forming in my eyes. When our eyes met, I didn’t see what I was expecting. Instead of pure anger, there were tears.

“How could I raise a fag? You’re sick. You’re fucked up.” He kicked me again, the tears escaping his eyes. We were both crying now and he kept kicking at me, like it would help stop his tears.

“I don’t want a faggot living in my house.”

“Too late dad!” I spit out the word dad, like it left a bad taste in my mouth and screamed while a foot flew into my body, knocking the wind out of me. “It’s too fucking late. I fucked my boyfriend in your house. He sat on your couch and slept in my bed and I screamed his name for the neighbors to hear.”

He launched another kick into my chest and then collapsed onto the stairs.

“I hate you,” he mumbled against his hands. “You disgust me. I can’t believe you’re my son.”

“Me either.”

 

It took about 20 minutes for me to pull myself up off of the floor and make my way up the stairs my room. After a couple minutes of crying against his hands, my father stumbled up to his room while muttering curses at me.

I stumbled into my bathroom, head still spinning and foggy from the alcohol, and collapsed on the floor.

The image of Troy’s face came back into my head and I started crying fresh tears, suddenly feeling my skin crawling all over. I realized I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to fuck him. I wanted to hurt Jude, to make Jude see that he deserved better, but I didn’t want Troy.

He kissed me and I let him. He pulled my shirt off and I didn’t say anything. He pushed me on the bed and pulled off my jeans and my boxers and pinned me down and fucked me and it never started to feel good. It just hurt. And I wanted Jude.

I managed to push myself up from the floor and pulled my clothes off as quickly as I could, then turned the shower on, stepping into the water before it warmed up.

I sat on the bottom of the tub and let lukewarm water fall on the top of my head, my tears and the water mixing together and running down my body.

Everything hurt and my skin felt like it didn’t belong on my body. I scrubbed at my arms, trying to get rid of the wrong skin and get back my own, but I just managed to rip off a scab from one of my cuts and blood started running down the drain with the water.

_You’re disgusting. Why are you still breathing? You’re a sick faggot who deserves to die. You shouldn’t even be here. No one wants you._

I took in a deep, shaky breath as I watched blood run down my arm. I wanted to make more cuts. I wanted to rip all of my skin off until I saw nothing but blood. I bit my lip until it bled, relaxing as the metallic taste seeped into my mouth.

_Jude knows you’re shit. Your dad knows you’re a fag. Even Troy knew you were worthless and he just met you. You shouldn’t be alive. You’re not worth the air you breathe._

I let out another deep breath and stood up slowly, turning the water off, and then wrapped a towel around my waist. I looked in the mirror and wanted to puke at the broken, twisted up, tear-soaked face staring back at me.

I hated myself. I really and truly hated every single inch of myself.

I sighed and leaned down to the bottom drawer, pulling out my box and unlocking it. I pulled out my refreshed stash of pills and held all of the bags I had tightly in my fist as I returned the box to the drawer.

I went into my room and threw on a pair of boxers and gym shorts, then sat on the floor in front of my bed, staring at the bags in my hand.

_Just do it, worthless little fuck. Just die already._

My heart started to pound. My lip and my arm were both still lightly bleeding. My breath was coming out a mess and my head was racing with a billion different thoughts.

_Worthless. Disgusting. Waste of space. Nothing. Jude hates you. Your family hates you. No one needs you. No one wants you. You should just die._

“Shut up!” I screamed at myself. “Just shut up.”

I ripped open one of the bags of pills and dumped them all into my mouth, then went to my dresser and pulled a bottle of vodka out of it to chase the pills with. Then I did the same thing with a second bag.

I sat on the floor, my arms wrapped tightly around my knees, crying until I couldn’t breathe, and then took a few more pills.

After I swallowed a few more, Jude’s face came back into my mind and I knew I couldn’t leave him like this, without knowing why I did what I did.

So I picked up my phone from where I dropped it on the floor beside me with a shaking hand and dialed Jude’s number. It rang once and then went to his voicemail.

“Jude. I’m sorry for calling you like this but I just need you to know. I love you. I’m sorry I slept with Troy. I just did it because I didn’t know if I could stop hitting you and that scared me more than anything. I wanted to do something to make you leave me so you could find something better and he was there and it just happened. I didn’t wanna do it, Jude. I only want to be with you. But you deserve better. So much better than me. I’m fucked, Jude. I’m really, really fucked. And, um, I took a bunch of pills. I just wanna die, Jude, I’m sorry. I don’t wanna live like this anymore. I don’t deserve to live. You, my dad, everybody…they’d be happier without me. I hate me, Jude. I don’t get how you ever thought you loved me. I’m just a worthless fuck who doesn’t need to be alive. I’m sorry. For everything. For fucking up your life and for hurting you and for being a shitty boyfriend. I’m sorry. And I love you.”

I started crying harder and harder as I continued my speech until I finally hit the end button the phone screen.

And then the world went black.


	18. If I Can't Save You, Who Will Save Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jumping back to Jude's POV again. This is another side story and the bridge between the last chapter and the next one. With using Connor's POV, it was hard to explain how we get from one point to the next, so I used Jude. Hope you like it!

After I saw Connor with Troy, I went running down the stairs, Taylor on my heels, tears already falling fast and hard.

I collapsed on the couch, burying my face in my hands. After a minute, I felt Taylor sit next to me and gently place a hand on my back and she started rubbing in small circles.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jude,” she whispered.

I just shook my head and didn’t speak. Instead, I started crying even harder. Because I knew she was wrong. Nothing would be okay. The only guy I’d ever loved had now hit me twice and then climbed into bed with the first guy who broke my heart. Nothing could ever be okay again.

 

After I had calmed down a bit, Taylor drove me home. I managed to get through the front door and into my room without waking anyone up, thankfully. I was not in the mood to explain anything to my family.

In my bedroom, I flopped face first on the bed with a sigh. I turned my head to the side and stared at my nightstand, where a stupid photo booth strip of pictures Connor and I took on the boardwalk stared back at me. I expected the tears to start up again, but nothing came. I guess I cried myself dry.

I lay there for a while, feeling sorry for myself, hating Connor and then loving him again, not being to sort out the pain from the love.

I just wished it could be easier. In some other universe, I could’ve met Connor and we could’ve fallen for each other and he wouldn’t have a homophobic asshole for a dad and he wouldn’t hate himself and we could’ve been in love and happy. But we weren’t in that world. We were in this one. Where I loved Connor and Connor hated everything but me and hurt us both because of it.

After who knows how long, my phone buzzing in my pocket interrupted my thoughts. I pulled it out and saw Connor’s name on the screen, then immediately hit ignore. I couldn’t talk to him, not now, when I didn’t understand anything about him or me or us.

I flipped over onto my back, phone still clutched in my hand, when a voicemail notification popped up at the top of the screen.

My finger hovered over it, debating whether I should listen or not. After a minute or so, curiosity got the better of me and I called my voicemail. I typed out my password, then heard Connor’s voice start talking.

It sounded hoarse and broken, and I could tell he had been crying as much as I had, maybe more.

“Jude. I’m sorry for calling you like this but I just need you to know. I love you.”

I bit my lip at this, unsure whether or not I believed him anymore.

“I’m sorry I slept with Troy. I just did it because I didn’t know if I could stop hitting you and that scared me more than anything. I wanted to do something to make you leave me so you could find something better and he was there and it just happened.”

His voice cracked and I heard unsteady breathing echoing through the speaker. I knew he had begun crying again, and I felt tears bristling in my own eyes at the sound.

“I didn’t wanna do it, Jude. I only want to be with you. But you deserve better. So much better than me. I’m fucked, Jude. I’m really, really fucked.”

I couldn’t help but snort at that.

“You’re right,” I mumbled to myself. “You are fucked.”

“And, um, I took a bunch of pills.”

My heart started pounding and I shot up into a sitting position at those words.

“I just wanna die, Jude, I’m sorry. I don’t wanna live like this anymore. I don’t deserve to live. You, my dad, everybody…they’d be happier without me. I hate me, Jude. I don’t get how you ever thought you loved me. I’m just a worthless fuck who doesn’t need to be alive. I’m sorry. For everything. For fucking up your life and for hurting you and for being a shitty boyfriend. I’m sorry. And I love you.”

“Fuck, Connor…”

I jumped up off my bed, managing to end the call on my phone as I slipped my worn out Converse onto my feet and ran out of the room.

“Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay,” I chanted to myself as I took the stairs two at a time.

When I reached the front door, I grabbed the extra set of keys for the family car from a hook beside the door. My moms would kill me if they found out I took the car that late at night, but at that moment, I didn’t give a fuck.

Connor’s broken voice was echoing in my ear and all I could picture was him lying on his bedroom floor, breathing slowing to a stop and I knew I had to do something.

I climbed into the car and whipped out of the driveway at a dangerously fast pace. I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears and I was gripping the wheel until my knuckles were white.

As soon as the car hit the road, I pulled out my phone and dialed 911.

The operator who answered said in a soft, pleasant voice, “911, what’s your emergency?”

“Hi, I need help. Well my boyf…I mean my friend needs help.” I could hear the panic and insanity in my voice, but I couldn’t calm it and I didn’t want to. “I think he overdosed. At least, he called me and said he did. I don’t know how much he took, but it was probably only like a half hour ago at the most but I’m really scared and he could be dead…”

I trailed off, the tears that had been fighting behind my eyes finally breaking loose and streaming down my cheeks. I started hyperventilating into the phone, my heart pounding out of my chest, my stomach tightening, and my whole body shaking. I felt like I was having heart attack, only worse.

“Okay, sir, calm down,” the lady said smoothly. “Can you tell me his address?”

I shook my head, then realized she couldn’t see me and choked out a quiet “no.”

“Okay, that’s alright, are you at his house?”

“Almost.”

“I’ll track your location and send an ambulance right away. Please stay on the phone.”

I arrived at Connor’s house as soon as she finished her sentence and I slammed to a stop in his driveway, running up to the door and praying it was open. I breathed a sigh of relief when the knob turned under my hand and ran inside and straight up the stairs, not even caring if I ran into Connor’s father.

I reached Connor’s bedroom door and tried to open it, but found that door locked.

“Damn it, Connor Stevens, what the fuck?” I screamed at the door, still messy crying.

I banged on the door with my fist as hard as I could, until I pulled my hand back and found bloody knuckles. I turned to my side and slammed my shoulder against it, but that did nothing but cause a bruise to start forming on my shoulder.

I paused for a second and took in a deep breath. I didn’t hear any siren yet, so I looked around the hallway for another plan. My eyes landed on a small table sitting a couple feet away. It wasn’t big at all, but it looked heavy, so I took a step over to it and lifted it up off the floor. I turned it so I was holding on to the legs and I collided the corner of the top with Connor’s door.

The wood gave way against the table and a hole caved in where the corner hit. I reached my hand through it and unlocked the door as quickly as possible with my shaking hands, then  swung it open.

When I could see into the room, my breath caught in my throat. Connor was lying on the floor, in front of his bed, obviously unconscious. I couldn’t tell if he was still breathing or not from my place in the doorway, but I could only hope he was.

There were a few empty ziplock bags laying on the floor next to him and half empty bottle of vodka. He was wearing nothing but gym shorts and his phone was on his bare chest. His bottom lip was bright red with blood and one of the cuts on his arm was ripped open and dripped blood onto the floor next to him.

After the initial shock wore down, I rushed over and kneeled down next to him on the carpet.

“Connor, please be alive. Please, please, be okay babe.”

I studied his chest and saw it rising and falling with shallow breaths and let out a small sigh. I stretched my legs out in front of me and pulled his head into my lap, softly running my fingers through his wet, sand-colored hair.

My breathing had steadied a bit by this point, but the tears were still falling fast, hitting Connor’s face as I dipped my head over him.

I wrapped my arms around his chest and pulled his body up against mine, leaning my back on his bed.

“Don’t leave me, Connor,” I whispered against his neck. “Please don’t leave me. I know you hurt me and I know we’re a fucked up mess, but I need you so much, please don’t leave. Please, please, please.”

A siren started to mix in with my pleading and before I knew it, a team of EMTs were rushing into the room with a stretcher.

Everything turned into a blur after that. Someone was checked Connor’s pulse and they were pulling out machines to jump start his heart and then a voice was talking to me.

“What did he take, son?”

“I don’t know what he took!” I found myself screaming back at them. “I just know he took three fucking bags of it and he’s dying. Does it matter? Just fucking save him!”

I heard another question being asked to me, but it didn’t register.

I just let loose a scream from the core of my being. I don’t know how loud it was or how long it lasted, I just knew I was screaming and crying all over Connor and my arms were still clutched around his chest and someone was trying to pry me off of him, but I didn’t want to let go. I was afraid that if I stopped touching him, that he would slip away and be gone forever, and I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let him go.

Finally, finally, after fighting against me for god knows how long, my arms were pried from Connor’s body and he was placed onto a stretcher and I begged them to let me come in the ambulance, but they said only family could, and so the entire crew left the room with all of their tools and machines and distant voices, and I stayed on Connor’s floor, curling myself into a ball.

I saw a t-shirt discarded on the floor not too far out of reach and I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around it tightly, pressing it against my nose so I could breathe in his scent.

After that, I’m not sure how long I was there. All I know is that I drifted off to sleep on Connor’s bedroom floor, holding on to a goddamn t-shirt for dear life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my [blog](mistakesandwarpaint.tumblr.com) where I rant and fangirl. It's a fun time.


	19. I'll Be Holding On To You

The next thing I registered was white. Everything was way too fucking white and it almost hurt to look at. Once I got past the white, I noticed an uncomfortable bed, stiff sheets, and an IV pumping liquid into my veins.

Hospital. That’s when everything came back to me at once. The pills. Calling Jude. Passing out. Wanting nothing else but to die. But I wasn’t dead. I was in a hospital room with a front wall that was nothing but a window with a locked glass door and someone sitting in plastic chair in the hallway.

The person in the hallway looked back at me and called a nurse over to my room. She unlocked the door and stepped inside with a smile plastered on her face.

“Hello there, Connor. Good to see you’re awake.”

I didn’t answer. I picked at a thread on the blanket covering my body instead.

“How are you feeling?”

I shrugged.

“Well, we tried to contact your father, but haven’t gotten an answer yet.”

I laughed spitefully.

“Good luck with that,” I mumbled.

“What was that?”

I shook my head, going mute again.

“You have a friend out in the waiting room, but we can’t let him in until a parent or guardian knows what happened.”

I sat up at that.

“Friend? Who?”

“Um, a teenage boy. Tall, skinny, brown hair.”

“I wanna see him.”

The nurse gave me a look that seemed like she was trying to be apologetic, but obviously didn’t give a shit.

“I can’t let you, sweetie.”

She reached out a hand and gave my arm a couple pats and I shoved it away.

“Don’t touch me. I wanna see him.”

She let out a sigh.

“I guess we can try your father again. Is there another number we could try? We have his cell. Or possibly your mother?”

“She won’t answer either.” I lowered my voice. “I don’t even know where she is.”

“Then we’ll have to keep calling your father. Just relax, alright?”

She didn’t wait for me to reply before she turned and left the room, locking me again.

I looked around for my phone and couldn’t find it. So they locked me up, kept constant watch on me, won’t let me see Jude, and took my stuff. I just love hospitals.

 

I fell asleep shortly after that. I wasn’t particularly tired, but there wasn’t anything better to do. I got woken up by the same nurse a couple hours later and she told me they got ahold of my father and he wasn’t coming to see me. But he didn’t care who else did. He was probably drunk.

After sharing the news, the nurse left and returned with Jude next to her. When he came into the room, I felt a genuine smile take over my face.

“Hey,” I said softly.

“Hi,” he mumbled, sitting in a chair next to the bed.

“What are you doing here?” I couldn’t bring myself to look at his face. I was too afraid of what emotion I would see there.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay. I… I’m the reason you’re here.”

I looked up at him then, and saw him staring at me intently with a frown. He wasn’t angry though. Just worried.

“You got my voicemail…”

He nodded. “Right after you left it. And I went straight to your house, but you were already unconscious, so I called 911.”

We both fell silent for a few minutes, the only noise in the room made by the beeping of a machine and our unsteady breathing.

“Why, Connor?”

“Why what?”

I knew what, but I couldn’t answer right away. I didn’t even know how to put it into words.

“Why did you take the pills?”

I sighed, trying to pull my thoughts together in a way that would make sense.

“I just… couldn’t do it anymore. Everything in my head was screaming at me every day to die, and I thought it was a good idea. My dad will probably end up beating me to death soon enough anyway.”

I was picking at the blanket again, but I heard Jude sniffle, and I looked at him to see tears falling down his face.

“What about me?”

“I hit you, Jude! Did you forget that? I figured you’d be better off without me.”

He stood up then and leaned in towards me until our faces were only inches apart and grabbed my face in his hands.

“You fucked up, Connor. But I love you. I fucking love you, and I don’t know what I would do if you had died, okay? Do you believe me?”

I shook my head, causing his hands to fall to my neck and felt tears start to poke at my eyes.

“I don’t know how to believe that. I’m not worth it.”

Jude sighed and moved his hands to grab my face again, then pressed his lips into mine. He didn’t bother with easing into it, just slipped his tongue into my mouth and started to nibble at my bottom lip.

It only lasted about a minute, but I was out of breath when he pulled away. But he just leaned back and sat in the chair like nothing had happened.

“Maybe someday you’ll believe me.”

I didn’t know what to say next, so I stared at the blanket again, and we sat in silence for a few more minutes.

“You know, they’re sending you to a mental health center.”

I looked up again. “How do you know that?”

Jude smirked and shrugged.

“Told them I was your cousin. They’d be in for a huge shock if they saw us a minute ago.”

“A mental health center? Like a mental hospital?”  
“Not that extreme. But kind of, yeah. You tried to kill yourself, Connor. What did you expect, that they’d just let you go off home to end up back here in another week?”

I sighed and let my head fall back.

“Well, at least it’ll get me away from my father.”

“That’s another thing… I think you should tell someone.”

My head snapped up again and I glared at Jude.

“Jude, we talked about this already! I can’t go into foster care.”

“I know! But if you say something now, you’ll have a place to stay for a week or two and you’ll have time to figure something else out. Maybe you get emancipated. But you can’t go back there. I’m not gonna let you.”

Again, I ran out of things to say. I knew he was right, although I had serious doubts that they would let a mental case live on his own. But if I went back to Adam Stevens, I’d end up in the hospital again. Or the ground.

“Maybe you could try to find your mom…”  
“Jude, she doesn’t want me!”

“You haven’t talked to her in, what, 9 years? How do you know that?”

I sighed, realizing he was right yet again. Then, finally, I nodded slowly.

“So, you’ll tell someone?”

“Yeah. I guess I kinda have to at this point.”

Jude smiled and reached over to me, grabbing my hand in his.

“Have you been here all night?”

He nodded.

“Won’t your moms be worried?”

“I called them. They were worried about you more than anything. I can be here until they kick me out.”

“Well, in that case…”

I moved over to the other side of the bed, leaving just enough room for him to fit in next to me.

Jude smiled and laid down beside me, leaning his head on my shoulder and putting an arm over my stomach.

“Just so you know, this doesn’t mean everything is back to normal. I’m still mad at you.”

I laughed a little and nodded, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

“I know. I’m just glad you’re here.”

He nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck and I kissed his forehead.

After a minute, I felt his breath on my skin and heard him whisper, “Me too.”


	20. A Whole Room of These Mutant Kids

The next day, I was moved to the opposite side of the hospital, into what they called “mental and behavioral health center.” The rooms over there looked more like really plain college dorms lined down a hallway, two kids or teens in each one.

There were a few kids there who never stopped shaking and I learned it was from withdrawal. There were a couple who never left their rooms. One kid got put in solitary confinement (which I later learned was a basically a large closet with a chair) pretty much every day because he would beat up the nurses. And there was a girl there who seemed close to my age who was scary skinny and had so many cuts and scars on her arms that I could barely see skin.

After a couple days there, I pretty much had the routine memorized. Wake up, vitals, breakfast, group, free time, lunch, more group, free time, dinner, more group, bed. Basically, we did a lot of group.

The second day, in afternoon group, I finally ended up talking for the first time. One of the detoxing kids was talking about how much he missed getting high and then decided to direct a question at me.

“Did you get high when you overdosed?”

I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Okay, dude, for one, not your business. For two…I don’t know, I passed out pretty fast.”

Sharon, our group leader, looked at me with her gray eyes and smiled.

“You finally decided to speak, Connor!” She said, like it was the greatest thing to ever happen.

“I mean, Jake asked a question. Figured I’d answer.”

“Do you wanna explain a bit more about what happened that brought you here? None of us know much about you.”

I sighed and looked at the broken, messed up bunch of kids around me and shrugged. If anyone could listen to my problems, it might as well be people as fucked up as I am.

“Which part do you wanna know about? Me hating myself? Or falling in love with a boy when I have the most homophobic father ever. Or that I had to cut or drink or get high to not want to die. Or that when I was dating the most perfect boy alive, I hit him. Take your pick.”

Sharon just nodded, like nothing I said shocked her at all.

Then, after a minute of silence, the skinny girl cleared her throat and started to speak. She was quieter than I was in group, so I didn’t even know what her voice sounded like. Turns out it sounded scratchy and raw, like she hadn’t used it in months and she spoke slowly, like every word took a lot of effort to push out.

“So did he dump you?” She asked, cocking her head to the side and looking at me. “Your boyfriend I mean.”

“Not for hitting him, no. I don’t fucking know why. I would’ve dumped me.” I paused and shook my head a bit. “I fucked his ex. I mean, kind of. I was drunk. I didn’t want to fuck him, really. I just…got mad at Jude in front of everyone and hit him and I hated myself. I wanted to get him away from me, make him leave so I couldn’t hurt him more. I ran into his ex and I thought, I don’t know, we could make out or flirt in front of Jude or something, make him think I was cheating. But we were alone and he took my clothes off and it just happened. I didn’t want him. I just wanted Jude. Plus, it hurt. He didn’t even try to make it feel good.”

I looked down at my feet as soon I finished talking and bit my lip, immediately regretting talking so much.

After a small silence, I heard the girl’s scratchy voice again.

“It kinda sounds more like rape, not sex…”

I looked up at her with wide eyes, not knowing what to say. I didn’t even think about that before.

“Ellie may be right.” Sharon’s voice cut into my thoughts, causing me to turn my head and look at her. “If you wanna talk privately after group, Connor, just stop me before I leave.”

I nodded and leaned my head against the back of the little black plastic chair I was sitting on, biting my lip and willing myself not to cry.

“How does that even work, faggot sex?”

My head shot up at a new voice, and Sharon shot a small boy with scraggly hair an angry look.

“Noah, don’t use that word. It’s a slur and I don’t want to hear those in this environment. This should be a safe place for everyone.”

Noah rolled his eyes.

“Okay, okay, fine. So queer sex.”

Sharon raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything else and the whole room looked at me expectantly.

“I mean, do you want a diagram?”

“Ew, no.” Noah held his hands up in the air. “I just meant, like, how do you get off on that, some dude pounding you in the ass.”

“Not everyone gets pounded in the ass. I mean, Jude did the pounding.” I smirked at Noah as an uncomfortable expression crossed his face. “And Noah…don’t knock it till you try it.”

 

That night, at dinner, I followed the train of crazy kids into the empty cafeteria and, once I got my food, went and sat at a two person table in the corner by myself.

I started to pick at my food, not particularly interested in it, when I felt someone’s eyes on me. I looked up to see Ellie, the skinny girl who talked to me in group, sitting across from me.

“Hello?” I said, raising an eyebrow at her.

I glanced down at the tray in front of her and saw only one tiny pile of rice, an even smaller pile of corn, and an apple. I raised both my eyebrows as I looked back at her face but didn’t say anything else.

“So, you’re gay?” She asked bluntly, her voice still groaning and croaking like a 50-year-old chain smoker.

I nodded slowly.

“I thought that was clear when I said I had a boyfriend and fucked boys?”

Now she raised her eyebrows at me as she took a tiny bite of rice.

“Geeze, calm your tits. There is such a thing as bisexual, asshole. I would know, since I am one.”

I held my hands up at her in surrender and took a bite of my own food.

“Sorry,” she said quietly after a minute of silent chewing. “I’ve been a little on edge since I got in here.”

I nodded slowly.

“Just get off drugs or something?”

She shook her head and I watched her limp, dull blonde hair shake next to her head.

“They’re making me eat,” she whispered, so quietly I almost didn’t catch the words as she smoothly stuck another bite of food into her mouth then glanced around and put her napkin to her mouth.

When she set the napkin down on the table, I noticed some grains of rice sticking to it and realized she hadn’t swallowed anything she had put in her mouth.

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked slowly, not wanting to say anything wrong. I felt like I might actually get a chance at having a friend there and I didn’t want to risk it.

“I can’t do it and they get mad when I don’t. But it makes me feel like a failure.” She paused for a minute, looking down at the table and playing absent-mindedly with the stem of her apple. “That’s why I’m here. I passed out from not eating. Well, that, and I cut a little too deep and bled a lot.”

I glanced at her arm when she said that and she lifted her right hand to her left arm, her finger trailing along a few of the cuts.

“Apparently, when you’re lacking nutrition in your body, you bleed more.” She spoke quietly, almost like she was talking to herself, so I went back to eating instead of answering.

We sat in silence for the rest of the meal, me eating and her trying to avoid eating, and I took the chance to get a closer look at her.

She was definitely pretty, but I could tell she was sick. Her skin and hair were both dull and lifeless and her cheek bones were sunken in. Her hair was thin and brittle, hanging like dead snakes off her scalp. Both of her arms were covered in scars and half-healed and open cuts, some bandaged, some not. Everything about her seemed halfway in life and halfway in death, like she was balancing on some invisible edge, waiting for something to pull her either way.

Then I realized I was there too, I just didn’t look it. I lived every day, waiting for something to show up and give me a reason to live or for something to happen that would let me die.

That whole fucking hospital was full of us, almost-people who didn’t know whether to live or die, whether to fight or give up. And I still had no idea which side of the line I was leaning towards.


	21. Will You Take Care of Me

The next morning, I woke up covered in sweat and with a pounding heart. I tried to pull in a deep breath but I could only manage a little air at a time and it hurt to breathe.

I stood up from my bed and threw some clothes on, noticing myself shaking violently the entire time, but managed to leave my room and make it out to the common room.

When I was out there, I collapsed into a chair and wrapped my arms tightly around my legs, trying to calm my shaking and breathe more steadily. That’s when Ellie came strolling down the hall and took a seat in the chair across from me.

“Wow, Con, rough night?” She said when she looked at me full on.

I just shook my head, unable to make any words come out.

When I didn’t speak, Ellie leaned forward in her chair and looked at my face.

“Connor, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

I just kept shaking. My heart was bursting from my chest. My chest was screaming for air that I couldn’t give it. My entire body wouldn’t stay still. My thoughts won’t settle on any word, just mixing together in a blur of _what is happening_ and _holy shit, I’m dying._

I vaguely noticed Ellie standing and running over to a nurse. I heard my name but the rest of the sentence fell flat. And then there were arms holding onto my biceps, lifting me up from the chair and settling me back into my bed where something heavy was gently placed on my body and I felt something stab into my wrist.

And then the world was black again.

 

I woke up a few hours later with a nurse’s hand on my shoulder, my body somewhat steadier but my heart still pounding. I noticed finally that weight on me was a weighted blanket and the stab in my wrist was an IV. Explains why I was asleep.

“Hi Connor,” the nurse said with a smile on her face when she noticed I was awake.

“Hey,” I replied with an unsteady voice.

“How are you feeling?”

I shrugged and settled back under the blanket, noticing my hands starting to shake again when I lifted my arms out from under it.

“Well, that’s about what we expected,” the nurse said as she checked my blood pressure. “It turns out you’re showing symptoms of withdrawal. You didn’t tell us you had substance abuse problems when we admitted you.”

She gave me a look of a disapproving parent and I shrugged again.

“I drank and took pills sometimes. I didn’t think it was a big deal,” I muttered as she stuck a thermometer in my mouth.

“Well, it seems it was more than sometimes. Had to be to develop an addiction.”

I don’t answer as she writes down my temperature and smiles at me gently.

“It looks like you’ll probably have to skip group for a couple days until you’ve gotten through the worst of the symptoms, but of course it’s up to you. We’ll keep this weighted blanket in here for you. It should keep from hurting yourself in your sleep.”

“Hurting myself?” I raised my eyebrows, finally looking the tired-looking woman in the eyes.

She nodded.

“Often, withdrawal with move around a lot in their sleep and can sometimes hit or scratch at themselves. And since this is a mental hospital and not a psych ward, we don’t like to strap anyone down.”

I raised my eyebrows again, but didn’t ask what the difference was. From where I sat, there wasn’t one.

The nurse began to roll her cart of supplies out of the room but then stopped at the door and turned to face me again.

“I almost forgot. It’s visiting hours and you have someone here to see you. But you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to.”

I sat up then, letting the blanket fall off of the upper half of my body and ignoring the shaking and pounding in my chest.

“Who’s here?”

“Some boy. Looks about your age. Skinny with dark hair.”

I stood up and felt a small smile playing on my lips as I grabbed the regular, thin blanket from the bed and wrapped it around my shoulder, suddenly freezing cold, and followed the nurse out of my room on wobbly legs.

When I reached the main room, the nurse gestured to the other side of the hallway, to the room where group was held.

I took a step into the room and saw a couple of the kids sitting around different areas of the room with one or two guests. But then, in the corner across from me, I saw him. Brown hair falling softly on his forehead, brown eyes lighting up when he saw me, a smile that was brighter than the goddamn sun on his face, skinny frame, slight toned muscles, long legs, soft skin, the whole thing. My Jude.

I walked over to him, not caring that my head was in excruciating pain and I still couldn’t take in a whole breath and my heart was still pounding and my entire body was shaking, because Jude was here.

I threw my arms around his waist, burying my head in his neck and breathing in his scent, relaxing almost automatically when his arms wrapped around me and pulled my body in closer to his.

After what felt like nowhere near long enough, Jude pulled away and sat back down, grabbing my hand and pulling me down into the chair next to him.

“Hey Con,” he said softly. “How are you feeling?”

“Do you want the answer that will make you happy or the truth?”

The sentence came out without hesitation or thinking about the words. It was always harder to fake it with Jude than anyone else.

“The truth,” he said, intertwining his fingers with mine and resting our hands on the armrest of his chair.

I sighed and tried to take a deep breath but instead coughed and felt myself hyperventilating slightly.

“Basically I’m terrible. Apparently pills and alcohol got to me more than I thought and I got addicted and now I’m in withdrawal. Which basically feels like living on the edge of death.”

His squeezed my hand with his and bit his lower lip.

“I’m sorry. Is this place okay, at least?”

I nodded slowly and smiled a tiny smile when I noticed Jude gently rubbing his thumb gently on my hand. 

“Yeah it’s okay. The nurses are nice enough. Some of the kids are hard to deal with, but I guess we’re all fucked up, right?”

Jude frowned at that but didn’t comment.

“There’s one pretty cool girl though,” I continued. “Her name’s Ellie. We get along I guess. More than anyone else here, anyway.”

Jude nodded and leaned back in his chair, still rubbing his thumb softly on my skin.

We sat in silence for a minute, both just enjoying each other’s company. Although I also spent it trying to ignore the sound of my heavy breathing.

Finally, Jude said, “So I wanted to talk to you about something.”

I nodded at him, telling him to continue.

“So I know we already talked to the nurse at the hospital about your dad before they moved you here. Well, CPS has been looking into your case. I only know all this because mom told me. And Con… they found your mom. And she wants to see you.”

I pulled my hand back from him and my legs up onto to the chair, wrapping my arms tightly around them as I shook my head.

“Connor… Connor, what’s wrong? You wouldn’t have to go into a foster home. Isn’t that what you wanted?”  
I just kept shaking my head as Jude leaned forward again, getting closer to my face.

“Connor?”

Then I stood up, still holding my blanket tightly around my shoulders and still shaking my head.

“I can’t see her, Jude. She left me!”

All of sudden, the whole room fell silent and all eyes were on us. That’s when I realized I probably spoke louder than I thought.

A nurse walked into the room and came over to where I was standing in front of Jude.

“Is everything okay over here?” She directed the question at me.

I didn’t say anything, just kept staring Jude down as a confused frown clouded his face.

“We’re fine,” he said through clenched teeth. “I should probably go anyway.”

He stood up and started to walk around me and the nurse, but I grabbed onto his wrist.

“Jude…please don’t go, I’m sorry.”

“Visiting hour is almost over anyway,” he said, turning to face me with a slightly softer expression. “But I’m sorry too. I know things are rough right now. You need a place to come home to, though.”

I bit my lip and looked down at my feet shuffling on the floor beneath me.

“What if I ask Stef to give your mom the number here? She can call you and that way maybe she can try to explain things to you and you don’t have to see her.”

I lifted my head slowly, letting my eyes meet Jude’s again. They were soft, studying my face for a sign of my reaction, occasionally wandering to my lips.

I nodded finally and reached out to take Jude’s hand in mine again.

“Okay. Give her the number and I’ll give her a chance.”

Jude smiled and my heart flip-flopped, then he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. I snaked my arms around his neck and smiled slightly against his shoulder.

“I love you,” I mumbled into the fabric of his t-shirt.

He pulled away and grabbed my hand again, smiling softly.

“I love you too, Con.”


	22. A Crazy, Suicidal Headcase

As soon as Jude was gone, everything got so much worse. I loved seeing him, but after he left, depression decided to mix with the withdrawal and I was shaking so hard I could barely stand.

A couple nurses, plus Ellie, helped me back into my bed and put the weighted blanket back over my body. A nurse gave me my second dose of meds for the day and told me to try to sleep, but instead I stared at the ceiling, listening to my heart beating out of my chest.

My thoughts wouldn’t come in clear and I wasn’t sure if I was just thinking too many things at once or if it was the meds. My entire head was in a fog. When I found I couldn’t focus on any thought, good or bad, my eyes drifted shut and I fell asleep for the rest of the day.

 

I wasn’t conscious again until almost noon the next day, when I woke up to not being able to get air into my lungs, heart pounding, and a headache that made me want to scream.

A nurse walked into my room, giving me my paper cup of pills along with a plastic cup of water, not even registering how my hands shook when I took them from him.

“How are you today, Connor?” He asked casually, rolling in the vitals cart.

I choked down the meds and glared at him.

“I feel like death, thanks,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Do you need me to get you something?” The man raised his eyebrows and looked at me with confused concern.

“Unless you can get me alcohol or pills, nothing will help.”

I collapsed onto my back in the bed, taking a couple shallow breaths and not bothering to pull the blanket up again.

The nurse didn’t reply. He just finished what he was doing and left me alone. When he was gone, I rolled over onto my side and curled up into a ball.

My body almost felt like it was buzzing and my thoughts were completely dead. I started to dig at my arms with my nails, suddenly feeling like my skin was wrong, like it didn’t belong on my body, like I needed to escape from it.

I flipped over to my other side, my body shaking harder.

_This isn’t my body, this isn’t my skin. I need to get out of here._

I kept digging at myself, unable to stop moving around, feeling harsh tears prickling at the corner of my eyes.

I felt like I was making some kind of noise, but I don’t have clue if I was or not. I just know I felt like exploding out of my own body, the body that didn’t feel like it was my body, and I just wanted to be anywhere else in the world.

Then the next thing I recognized was a voice saying “Connor, you have a phone call.”

By that point, I wasn’t sure if I was falling asleep or blacking out. It was hard enough to tell up from down, let alone anything else.

But, from some idiotic reason, when a nurse told me I had a phone call, I pulled my weak, pathetic, and shaking body out of the body, wrapping my thin and itchy blanket around my shoulders again and followed her slowly down the hall to the line of pay phone style phones on the wall.

She pointed to one phone that was sitting off the hook, apparently waiting for me, and I meandered towards it, realizing vaguely that my eyes wouldn’t focus on anything.

When I almost reached the phone, I heard Ellie’s voice coming from behind me. She was probably only a couple feet away, but it sounded like miles and like it was underwater.

“Hey, dead man walking!” She teased. “How are you feeling?”

I just shook my head, not registering that that wasn’t an appropriate response to her question.

I never turned around to see if she walked away or not, I just know she didn’t say anything else.

I picked up the phone from where it was laying and croaked out a quiet “hello” into the receiver. My voice sounded far away too and like I hadn’t used it in days. I guess I hadn’t used it in at least a day at that point, but I still didn’t understand why talking seemed so difficult. Maybe I had been screaming.

Another voice coming through the phone interrupted my spiraling thoughts.

“Connor? Connor, honey, is that you?”

As soon as the voice hit my ear and the sound of it connected with my brain, all of the fog lifted. My eyes focused in on the phone base in front of me and my thoughts were all replaced with pure rage.

“Mom,” I spit. “What the fuck could you possibly have to say to me?”

She didn’t answer my question.

“Connor, it’s been so long. You’re 17 now, right? You’ve grown up so fast. I bet you’re tall. My dad was tall, I’m sure you are too. I want to see you so bad, honey.”

“Mom what do you fucking want?”

I know I screamed the sentence. I had no doubt about that. The entire common room went dead silent and I felt countless eyes on me, but I ignored them all and squeezed my fingers into a fist until they turned white and my nails left deep half-moon indents in my palm.

I heard the woman on the other end of the line let out a deep sigh before she continued talking.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. And I know it will take a while for you to forgive me. I don’t blame you. But can I explain, at least?”

I let out a sigh too and leaned my forehead against the wall in front of me.

“Well, I did kind of promise someone that I would at least talk to you,” I said, Jude’s face flashing across my mind. “So I guess, explain.”

She sighed again and started on a speech, her voice cracking and reveling that she was trying to avoid crying as she went on.

“I was really messed up when you were little. I was okay when you were born, but after a couple years, your dad started drinking. And he would get angry. A lot. I know he was always great to you when you were a kid, which is why I kept it to myself. I guess I figured he could take out his anger on me and be a dad to you. Only problem is, I got into pills to escape from it all. I got in real bad, Con. It got to the point where the high was all I cared about. Then, your father decided he’d quit drinking and I’d quit doing pills. So we both tried. And then he came home one night, completely wasted, and beat me up so bad I swear he almost killed me. So I took off. I wanted to take you with me, I really did, but I knew I was still addicted to pills. I don’t know, Con, I was an addict and I guess I just thought you’d be better with him. At least then you’d have a home instead of living on the street. Obviously I was wrong.”

When she finished, I fell completely silent. I couldn’t figure out what to say. It made sense. That was the worst part. It made a lot of sense to me. And I wanted to keep hating her, because she left me and made me grow up with the monster that is Adam Stevens. But she really thought she was helping me. As fucked as it was, she thought it was right.

“So, are you clean now?” I asked finally, after what felt like hours of silence.

“Yes, yes, completely. Have been for about 4 years now. I tried coming to get you sooner. But you know your father is head of his law firm. If I tried to pull any custody battle against him, he would bring a huge case against me, from spite alone.”

“Yeah probably…” I said slowly. “So what makes you think you can get me now?”

“Your friend…Jude I think? Reported about your dad hitting you. It’s one thing you saying it. But someone outside of the family backing it? Plus, I gave CPS my report about what happened before I left. They have a pretty strong case against him. And you ending up in the hospital…well that only encourages the case more.”

“Jude… Jude talked to them for me?”

“He did. I think he really cares about you, kid.”

I laughed in spite of myself.

“Can’t understand why.”

“Don’t say that.”

My mom’s voice was suddenly sad, seeming like all she wanted to do was jump through the phone and hug the pain out of me. And that’s when I broke.

“I missed you mom,” I said, tears breaking out of my eyes and falling down my face. “And I’m still mad you left me. But I’m so glad you’re here now.”

“Me too, Con,” she replied, and I could hear the tears in her voice too.

However that exact moment of course had to be the one where the shit storm hit.

I heard some kind of banging and yelling outside of the locked door to our little section of the hospital and glanced to my left, only to find Adam Stevens in the flesh, fighting with a few nurses and screaming through the narrow windows surrounding the door.

“Mom, I have to go,” I said hurriedly into the phone. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it’s okay. Um, I’ll come see you tomorrow if you want?”

“Yeah yeah, that’s fine, see you then.” Then I hung up the phone and started heading towards the door.

“Connor, what are you doing?” I heard a voice call from behind me, but I just kept walking.

That’s when my dad’s eyes connected with mine and he was yelling at me. I reached the window and his words bled through the barrier.

“You little shithead faggot! You fucking told them I abused you? Why the fuck would you do that? So you’re a faggot and a pussy now?”

He kept screaming but the words began to fade away as the nurses managed to seize his arms behind his back and the cops showed up and had handcuffs on his wrists.

And I started crashing. Yeah, I was angry to see my dad, but more than that. I felt everything. Everything he made me feel, all the nothing he made me believe that I was, and I wanted nothing more than to drop dead all over again.

I started shaking more violently and pulled the blanket tighter around me. An arm gently draped over my shoulder, but I shook it off and stomped over to the common room. I slammed myself down into a chair at the table Ellie was sitting it putting together a puzzle.

“Okay, Ellie, how the fuck did you get blades in here and can you give them to me?”

“What the fuck, Connor?” She looked up at me, her eyebrows raised and forehead wrinkled. “What the fuck are you saying?”

“You have fresh cuts. I’m not a fucking moron.”

I let out a breath and leaned in closer to her, bracing my hands on the table.

“Look, I know you probably don’t want to help me with this, but I’m fucking exploding, El. As if withdrawal wasn’t enough, now I’ve dealt with both of my parents within 10 minutes of each other. I need a fucking escape, and since I know there’s no goddamn way to off myself in this place, blood will have to work.”

Ellie sighed and closed her eyes, then bit her bottom lip as she opened her eyes again to look at me.

“Okay, let me just say that I don’t fucking condone this at all. I wish I could stop. But to be honest, I’d rather you cut then die, so fine. Follow me.”

She glanced around the room and saw that all of the nurses were gathered around the counter talking and not really paying attention to any of the patients, so she grabbed me by the hand and yanked me down the hallway until she stopped at the very end.

She sighed and pulled a bobby pin out of her hair and placed it in my hand. When I looked at it, I noticed that the little plastic end was missing and the tip was filed into a point.

“How the fuck did you do this?”

“Lots of work. Just… get it back to me. And don’t get caught.”

She turned and started to walk off, then stopped halfway down the hall and turned back to face me.

“And Connor… be careful.”

I nodded and let out another deep breath I didn’t know I was holding, then closed my hand tightly around the tiny weapon, escaping silently into my room and then ducking behind the curtain that covered the bathroom inside.

I sat down roughly on the floor, noticing I was still shaking, and held the pin in my hand. I almost changed my mind. I stared at it and thought briefly _I’ll be okay. It’s not a big deal. They took my dad away. I won’t have to deal with him anymore._

But then his face flashed back into my mind, screaming at me through glass, eyes full of hate and disgust. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t even drunk. Just so disgusted that I was his son. My eyes filled up with tears again and I raked the sharp end of the pin against my arm wherever it could connect with skin, shaky sobs rattling my body as my blood started to flow.


	23. We've Made It This Far, Kid

I didn’t go to dinner that night.

In fact, I didn’t leave my room again. After ripping my arm open with Ellie’s pin, I tucked it into my pocket, cleaned up the cuts, and pulled on a sweat shirt. Then I collapsed back into the bed and fell asleep.

I woke up at some point a few hours later, skin stinging and head pounding and body shaking, so I pulled myself up and back into the bathroom, littering my arm with more cuts.

The next day, I slept until I heard the creak of the door open and a nurse, in the brightest and most annoyingly cheery voice possible, calling, “Connor, you have visitors.” I let out a breath and pushed myself into a sitting position, then wrapped my blanket around me and stood, following the nurse to the group room.

When we got there, I saw Jude sitting in one of the chairs along the wall. And next to him was a woman with straight, blonde hair that reached her shoulders and a bright smile on her face. She looked different than she did the last time I saw her, but I recognized her instantly. My mother.

She saw me and stood up, her smile spreading even wider and she mouthed my name silently, as if she couldn’t believe she was truly seeing her son in front of her.

I couldn’t bring myself to smile. I couldn’t make any expression. But I took the steps needed to close the distance between the two of us and let her wrap me up in a tight hug.

She held tightly to me for what had to have been at least a minute, crying against my hair and whispering how much she missed me and how much she loved me. When she finally let go, I turned to Jude and he smiled a small, hesitant smile at me, then reached out towards me with his hand. I moved mine to reach his and intertwined our fingers almost instantly, feeling my entire body relax at the feeling of Jude’s touch.

We didn’t say anything to each other, just took a seat next to each other, hands still linked tightly. My mother took a chair and turned in to face us, then sat down as well.

The three of us sat in an awkward triangle completely silent for a minute, eyes shifting between each other’s faces and the walls and the couple other people in the room with us.

My mom was the one to break the silence first.

“Connor, I know I’ve said this, but I am sorry. I just… wanted to say it to your face I guess.”

I nodded, feeling like I was moving in slow motion, and forced what I thought to be a smile onto my lips, but it felt foreign and wrong so I couldn’t be sure what it looked like to her.

“I know you are, mom,” I whispered, my throat feeling drying and my voice worn out. “And honestly… I’m still mad at you. But you’re the best option I got right now.”

Jude squeezed my hand gently and I looked towards him, feeling an almost genuine smile prying at my lips when I saw his soft and comforting smile and warm brown eyes directed at me.

“Con,” he said, letting me hear his beautiful, deep, soothing voice finally. “They arrested your dad for showing up here yesterday. He’s locked up. There’s not even a court case anymore. They just have to interview your mom and clear her and she’ll have custody.”

“You might even get to stay in your house,” my mother piped up. “Your father’s sentencing is in a couple days, so if he gets a good amount of jail time, we might get to stay there. My name is still on the paperwork, so it’s still partly mine.”

“You have a place to go when you leave here,” Jude said, squeezing my hand again.

I just nodded, suddenly feeling my body and mind overwhelmed with fatigue.

I yawned slowly and leaned my head on Jude’s shoulder stiffly, not letting my body relax.

“Are you alright, love?” My mother asked, placing a hand gently on my leg.

That’s when the nurse keeping an eye on the visits walked over to our triangle with a soft smile.

“Hey guys,” the nurse started. “Connor has just gotten through a rough phase of withdrawal so his body’s probably worn out from those symptoms. He’s also adjusting to the medicine we’ve put him on, which can make him drowsy. You can stay, I’m not kicking you out. Just know that he probably won’t be much for conversation.”

Jude and my mom both smiled up at the small man I let my eyes drift shut.

I felt my boyfriend’s arm slip gently around my shoulder and I let myself relax against him, head flopping a bit towards his chest and my arm moving to circle around his stomach.

My breathing began to become steady as I focused in on Jude’s heartbeat, everything else around me falling away. Being with him, everything was calm. Even when my mind was a disaster and my sanity was crumbling, Jude was the calm in the middle of the storm.

I heard my mom’s voice from miles away, saying, “Maybe I should just go. Let him rest.”

I didn’t hear a reply, but I’m sure Jude must have answered somehow, because I felt my mother’s hand rest on my shoulder and she shook it very lightly, whispering my name.

I forced myself to sit up and look at her, eyes refusing to focus on anything.

“I should get going, Con. I have my CPS interview later and I need to get ready.”

I nodded lazily, not bothering to stand, just staring up at her blankly.

“I’ll see you soon. I love you.”

_I love you too, mom. Say something, goddamnit._

But I just nodded again as my mom wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hugged me, leaving a kiss on the top of my head as she pulled away. She said goodbye to Jude and then was out the door, with one last look and wave in my direction.

Once she was gone, I let my head fall back against Jude.

This time, both of his arms encircled me tightly, his hands gripping onto my back like he was drowning and I was his life preserver. I wrapped my arm around him again, my hand resting lightly on the side of his rib cage. I felt him bury his face in my dirty, messy hair, not releasing his grip on me even slightly.

“Are you okay?”

The words came out muffled, his mouth against my head, but I felt them vibrate through me.

Everything inside of me wanted to say yes and move on. Just let him believe I was getting better, that I was happy. But I knew I couldn’t fake it with Jude. He knew. He always knew. And even if I told him I was okay, he would know it was a lie.

So I told the truth.

“No, I’m not. I want to be drunk or high. I want hurt again. These meds, they make me feel like a fucking zombie. I feel nothing. Right now, I wouldn’t even care if I was pissed or sad or hating myself, because it would be a goddamn feeling. I’m just numb.”

I spilled out the words without stopping, almost in one breath, all of them floating against Jude’s t-shirt. But I know they reached his ears, because as I continued, his impossibly tight grip got even tighter and I heard him sniffle.

We sat there, holding onto each other for dear life and not breathing a word, for what seemed like days, although it was definitely just minutes.

Then Jude said, “You feel this though, right? Me. Us.”

I know what he was asking. I could hear his voice quiver as he let the terrifying thought drift through the air around us, layered with a cautious hope behind it.

“I can’t lie to you. I really don’t feel a whole lot.” I paused and let out a deep breath, my face still buried in his chest. I felt his body tense up at my words, but tried to ignore it as I kept going, trying to explain what I was thinking. “But I know that when I touch you, I feel calm. And nothing has made me feel calm since I’ve been here. I’ve been tense the whole time, every minute, even when I’m asleep. All of my muscles ache from never being able to relax them. I guess this place just scares me. Being crazy scares me.”

“You’re not crazy,” Jude interrupted quickly.

“Let me finish, please,” I said softly, still not moving at all. “This place makes it impossible for me to relax. But I see you and I feel you and it’s like… I’m home. So I don’t feel a whole lot. But I still know that you’re my home. And I know that means I love you. A person can’t be home if you don’t love them. You need love to feel that… safe. That calm.”

I took in another deep breath and then let it out slowly as I pushed myself away from Jude and forced myself to sit upright, making eye contact with my boyfriend.

“I love you, Jude Adams Foster. And I know I’ve done a shitty job of showing it, but just… I hope you know I mean it.”

Jude just stared at me for a second, biting his lower lip and blinking slowly. Then his face broke out into one of his star-shooting, moon-raising, earth-shattering smiles that made me start to fall for him the day I first saw him.

“I love you too, Connor Stevens,” he replied, the smile staying fixed on his face. When he spoke those words, a warmth bubbled up in my stomach and flooded into my chest and it felt amazing. Not only was it feeling something, it was feeling something fucking wonderful. Thanks to Jude.

I returned his smile, although mine was much smaller and subdued. But it was a real smile. So that counts for something.

Jude reached out and placed a hand gently on the side of my neck, then started to rub small circles under my ear with his index finger. Then he reached out his other hand and put it on my neck as well, eyes flicking down at my lips every other second.

I felt another smile playing at my lips as the second hand made contact with my skin.

_Geeze Connor, two smiles in one minute? Pace yourself, dude._

“Jude, if you wanna kiss me, just do it already,” I said, noticing a slight teasing tone managing to creep into my voice.

Jude smiled again and quickly closed the gap between us, his small, soft lips finally connecting with mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned into the kiss again, feeling my stomach soar from the act.

The kiss didn’t last long. Just lips on lips, tongues behaving themselves, and smiles tugging at the corners of our mouths the whole time. But it was still magic and exactly what I needed.

Jude pulled back and smiled at me again.

“You’re beautiful,” I mumbled, unable to stop the thought from tumbling out of my mouth.

Jude smiled slightly, then threw his head back, laughing loudly.

“I’m beautiful?” He said skeptically once he got his laughter under control. “When’d you turn into such a sap?”  
I shrugged and looked at his scrunched up, skinny, pale, lightly freckled, fucking beautiful face.

“When I met you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](http://mistakesandwarpaint.tumblr.com)


	24. Friend, Please

Jude left. I don’t know why it hit so hard every damn time he walked away, but it did. I had to stay and he had to leave.

It fucking sucked.

We sat in the chairs clinging to each other, either by hands or arms or entire bodies, until a nurse walked over and said visiting hours were over.

That’s when Jude hugged and kissed me goodbye and left the ward. And I walked back to the common room and sat on an over-stuffed gray chair in the corner, shoving my hand in the deep pocket of my sweatpants and stabbing my fingertip into the sharp edge of Ellie’s pin that I buried in there.

_You’ll never get better. You still feel like shit and your medicated and in a hospital._

I stared at the TV in front of me that was blaring Wheel of Fortune and squeezed the pin tighter. Then Ellie wandered over to me and took a seat on the small loveseat next to my chair, not saying a word until she was seated with her thin legs tucked under her withering body.

“You won’t be here forever, you know,” I heard her say, my eyes still focused on the TV. “You’ll be out soon and then you can see your boyfriend every day.”

I let out a sigh and turned my head to face her.

“Unless they decide I need to be locked up for longer.”

Her face twisted into a confused frown and I pulled my hand out of my pocket in answer, turning my bleeding fingertip towards her.

“Jesus fuck, Connor,” she said, grabbing my hand and pressing my finger into the hem of her t-shirt. “I told you to give that back to me.”

I didn’t answer as she scooted as close to me as the loveseat would allow and wrapped soft cotton tighter around the bleeding, both of us probably thanking every higher power that her shirt was black.

We sat in silence as she held my hand against her thigh and I tried to ignore the fact that I could feel every bone under her skin.

Finally, after a few minutes of nothing, I sighed and pulled the sharpened pin out of my pocket with my free hand and held it out to Ellie, keeping it blocked from the nurses’ station by our bodies.

She smiled a tiny smile at me and grabbed it, sticking it in her pocket.

“So, why does no one ever visit you?” I asked after another minute of silence.

She let out a sigh and unwrapped my finger, then wet her own fingertip with her tongue and used it to wipe the dried blood away from the cut.

“You stopped bleeding. Now stop fucking hurting yourself so you can go home to Jude.”

“You won’t stop,” I said, picking at the hem of my own t-shirt now. “Why should I?”

She was silent for a minute before answering. And when she did answer, it sounded like it took all of the energy in her body to push the words out.

“Because you have someone to go home to. I don’t.”

I looked up at her, hearing her voice crack on the last word. When our eyes met, she bit her bottom lip and I noticed tears pooling at the corners of her eyes.

“El…please tell me what’s up with you. You’re the only person I like here and I don’t know anything about you.”

She sighed and leaned her head on the back of the loveseat, her eyes scanning the ceiling as if it could tell her how to answer me.

Then after a minute, she lifted her head again and turned to face me, crossing her legs in front of her like a little kid sitting on a floor. She reached out with one hand and took my hand with the cut finger in her own and rested our joined hands on the arm rest in front of her.

“Is this okay?” She asked, looking at my face for any signs of discomfort.

I nodded at her and turned to face her too, mirroring her position. She almost cracked a smile at this before she bit her lip again and looked at her lap.

“You want the long version or short?” She looked up at me with an eyebrow raised.

“Well, I don’t have anything better to do.”

She smiled and sighed, shifting the hand holding mine slightly.

“So…my parents are rich. Like super rich. Like I grew up in a house just shy of mansion size rich.”

She paused and scratched at a scar on her arm and I stared at her, hazel eyes meeting gray-blue.

“My dad only cares about making more money and fucking beautiful women. He decided sometime after I was born that my mother didn’t count as beautiful anymore and started to fuck other women instead. Mainly my nanny.”

I raised my eyebrow at that but didn’t say anything, choosing to just let her continue on.

“My mother didn’t raise children. Or birth us really.”

She stopped again and took in a deep breath, then launched back into her story, this time speeding up and letting the words tumble out, loud and messy.

“She had us surgically removed like tumors then went shopping with her rich friends. She also hates her body. And I think only had a daughter to be everything she could never be. Thin, beautiful, sexy, and popular. She started putting me on diets when I was little and was the biggest reason I developed an eating disorder. My brother did drugs and then killed himself. And in high school, boys decided I was skinny enough to have sex with and when I didn’t want to have sex with them, they didn’t care and stuck themselves inside me anyway. My brother was my only friend until he was dead. My parents don’t care. The first time I went to a mental hospital, my mom told the doctors she didn’t believe in eating disorders. And then put me on a new diet when I started to gain weight. My dad is never home. I have no one, Connor. No one.”

She let out a breath of air and looked at our joined hands, chewing on her bottom lip again.

“Well, shit,” I said, not sure of what else to say.

Then she burst out laughing.

I looked up at her incredulously, not sure what to make of the groaning, creaking, airy noises she was letting out. And then I started laughing too. I don’t know what caused it exactly. Maybe just hearing Ellie laugh, or maybe the ridiculousness of my reply to her life story, or maybe just because I needed to laugh.

But for whatever reason, Ellie and I sat in our corner, facing each other, heads thrown back and letting out loud laughs until we were breathless and falling against our respective armrests in front of us.

When we finally calmed down, Ellie turned to face forward again, letting her legs fall in front of her and leaned her head on the back of the couch.

“So, there you go, asshole. The reason why I don’t want to leave and why no one comes to see me.”

I turned around too and mirrored her position once again.

“So, get the fuck out of there. Run away. Get emancipated. What the fuck ever.”

“Look, I know I said my parents don’t care about me. And they don’t, don’t get me wrong. But they sure as hell care about their reputation. That’s the only fucking reason they’re still married. If I ran off or tried to get emancipated, their reputation would be wrecked. The only reason they survived my brother’s death is they played the sympathy card and claimed it was accidental.”

I shrugged and kept rattling off ideas, sure that something could happen.

“Look, dude, my dad would’ve killed me if I tried to run. Like I mean, literally pull me back into the house and beat me until I bled to death. Yours would never touch you. You could run and be fine. And fuck their reputation. You don’t have to uphold their goddamn reputation.”  
“Okay, genius, where would I even go?”

“Come stay with me. I’m living with my mom when I get out of here and she seems to actually give a shit about me. And since she just started talking to me for the first time in like 10 years, I’m sure she’d let you stay. Try to get in good with me.”

Ellie turned her face towards me without lifting her head from the back of the seat and raised her eyebrows at me.

“You really want me to stay with you? Some crazy chick you met in a mental hospital?”

“I’ve never had a friend either. Not really. As long my dad’s been hitting me, I haven’t let anyone get close. Until Jude. And I like you. You’re not homophobic like half the other kids in this place, you don’t bullshit me like the nurses and doctors, and you’re real. You say what you think and you make me wanna trust you. So why not?”

I turned to face her too and smiled a half smile at her. She returned it and elbowed me lightly.

“You’re a good guy, Connor. Jude’s lucky.”

I laughed spitefully and closed my eyes, crossing my arms over my stomach.

“Didn’t you hear me in group the other day? I hit him.”

“But you’re not gonna do it again. And you love him. The way I see it, as long as someone loves you and has a good heart, you’re lucky.”

“You have a good heart, Ellie.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“No. You do. And don’t start that bullshit about how I don’t know you. I have a feeling I know you better than anyone besides your brother has ever known you. And I can tell you have a good heart.”

We fell silent again, both sitting in our separate chairs and listening to the sound of muffled conversation and loud TV noises, until I felt Ellie’s hand grab mine from my stomach and pull it onto the armrest, linking us together again.

“Thanks,” she said quietly.

“You’re welcome,” I answered, just as quiet. “So stop hurting yourself too. Get out of here, go home, grab shit, and run to me. Us psychos need to stick together right?”

She laughed and squeezed my hand lightly.

“Yeah. Psychos stick together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Yo, it me](http://mistakesandwarpaint.tumblr.com)


	25. No Good Without You

A week passed and Ellie and I both kept up our promise. We didn’t do like full body inspections or anything, but we both wore t-shirts every day and I know we both subtly checked each other’s arms.

At dinner one night almost exactly a week after my talk with Ellie, we were sitting across a table from each other, me devouring my food and Ellie actually managing to eat a little of hers. Out of nowhere, Ellie stood up and stared down at me.

“What are you doing?” I asked slowly, raising an eyebrow at her.

Instead of answering, she walked around the table and stood in front of me, then grabbed my hand and pulled me into a standing position.

She led me over to the trash can, still holding onto my hand. We stopped in front of it and she pulled her little sharpened pin out of her pocket, holding it out over the trashcan.

“Ellie…”  
“I don’t know why I held on to this. I guess… I was scared to let go. But we’ve made a week. And I’ve never lasted a week before. I think we might actually get out of here soon. So it’s time.”

“You’re throwing it out?”

My voiced shook a little bit as I stared at the pin and I almost subconsciously ran my fingers over my recent cuts.

A small bit of panic started to take over my brain. Yes, I’d gone a week without doing anything. But I knew I still had a way out, an option if I felt like I needed it. And now, Ellie was getting rid of that option.

I knew I owed her. That we promised each other we wouldn’t and that she was holding up her end. So I had no excuse to feel like screaming as I watched her shaky hand hold the pin over the trashcan.

She squeezed my hand and looked at my face, biting down on her bottom lip.

“Ready?”

Even though I was anything but, I nodded my head at her then turned back to watch as she let the little bit of metal fall into the bag.

 

The next day, I had my fourth meeting with one of the on-site psychiatrists. Most of our counseling was done in group therapy but we had those meetings to check up on our medications.

I went into the small room that was situated off the common room and sat down in a chair across from a stern-looking woman with glasses, a desk covered in paper and files separating us.

“Hello Connor,” the woman said without looking up. “How are you feeling today?”

“Um, okay, I guess,” I answered, playing with my hands in my lap instead of looking at the top of her head.

We were both silent for a minute, and then she cleared her throat and I looked up to see her eyes on me.

“Today, I wanted to talk to you about your diagnosis and what we expect of you when you’re released.”

I nodded and squeezed my hands together to avoid reacting. If she was talking about what would happen when I went home, that would mean I could go home soon, right?

“Connor, I’m almost sure you have major depressive disorder. However, I’m also suspicious that you may have PTSD, so we’ve been medicating you for both. It will probably take more sustained therapy to be sure.”

“PTSD? Isn’t that, like, the thing that veterans get?”

She nodded and I think I saw her almost crack a smile, but it was gone quickly if she did.

“It’s common in veterans, yes, but anyone can develop it. Anyone who goes through an intense traumatic event. You’ve said you’ve dealt with parental abuse since age 9, correct?”

I nodded slowly, casting my eyes down. I didn’t want to see the look of pity that I expected to follow.

“Abuse is traumatic, Connor. There’s a good chance you could have developed PTSD. But there’s another thing.”

I looked up at her again, signaling for her to continue.

“Your anger problems. Yes, it was definitely made more extreme because of substance abuse and depression, but I’m still recommending you attend anger management. So. In order for you to go home, I’m expecting you to go to therapy weekly. We can set up an appointment with someone we know, if you don’t have someone in mind. Also, I recommend at least 8 weeks of anger management and NA meetings. Now, you don’t have to do any of this. But I can promise you, it probably won’t be long until you end up back here or in someplace worse if you don’t.”

I nodded again, biting down on my lip.

“Sound like a lot,” I said quietly.

“It’s all to help you.”

I bit my lip and looked down at my lap again, trying to vocalize the thought that was tugging at the back of my mind. We both stayed silent for another minute before I managed to get it out.

“Am I gonna be okay?”

Then, for the first time since I sat down, she actually smiled.

“It won’t be easy. But if you work at it, and actually try to get better… you’ll be fine.”

I let out a breath and smiled a small smile up at her.

“So… when do I get to go home?”

She quickly switched back to all business and shuffled around some papers in front of her.

“Tomorrow. You can call whoever you need to to pick you up.”

That’s when I really, full-out smiled.

One more day. Just one more day and I would home, in a real bed, and best of all, with Jude.

 

As soon as I left the room, I went straight to a phone and dialed my mom’s number. I told her I got to go home the next day and she told me that my father was in jail and she had the house.

I walked away from the phones and sat down across from Ellie with a smile on my face.

“What’s got you so happy?” She asked, looking at me with a raised eyebrow.

“I get to go home tomorrow.”

“What!” She jumped up from her chair and threw her arms around my neck.

As soon as we started hugging, I heard a nurse clearing her throat behind Ellie’s back and she let go, slinking back to her chair.

“These no physical contact rules are ridiculous.”

I smiled at her and started to connect a few pieces in the puzzle she was working on on the table between us.

“So you’re getting out of here.”

I nodded, feeling a smile tugging at my lips again and put another piece in place.

“When are they letting you go?”

“Two days. But hey, not too much longer than you.”

She slapped my hand as I went to reach for another piece and grabbed at it instead, adding it to the puzzle.

“So… excited to see your boyfriend?”

“He’s not my boyfriend right now, Ellie.”  
“Really? Could’ve fooled me. Considering you’ve been cuddling every single time he’s come to visit you. Also, he’s come to visit you almost every chance he got.”

I rolled my eyes and sat back in my chair.

“So we’re not official right now. I fucked up a lot with him. I feel like it’s gonna be a while before he’ll trust me again.”  
Ellie shrugged.

“So do something big.”

“Like what?”  
“Connor Stevens, you are such a boy. A romantic gesture! Show him you care about him and you’re sorry that your mental illness led to you acting like a douchebag.”

I rolled my eyes and playfully shoved at her arm and we descended into a laugh-filled shoving match.

 

The next morning, I woke up early and jumped out of bed, almost jumping out of my skin at the same time.

I jogged out to the common room to see Ellie awake too, sitting on a couch with a book in her lap. I smiled at her and walked over to take a seat next to her.

“What are you doing up?” I asked her as I settled into the couch.

“Wanted to make sure I was up in time to say goodbye to you,” she answered with a shrug.

“Aw, El, you do care.”

“Shut up, asshole.”

We sat there for a few minutes silently, her reading and me staring at the TV without registering what was even playing on it. After a bit of silence, I felt a hand rest on my knee.

“Connor, I swear to god, if you don’t stop shaking your leg, I will cut it off,” Ellie said and I realized it was her hand on my leg.

“Sorry,” I said sheepishly. “Just impatient.”

“I get it. Just sucks a little.”

I looked at her and searched her face for some kind of sign for what she meant.

“Why?” I asked finally.

“Because I have to get through a day here without you,” she said quietly.

“Aw, El…”

“Shut up. It’s just… really easy to feel alone in this place. You made it bearable.”

I smiled at her and grabbed her hand in mine.

“You did for me too.”

She sighed and put down her book, then turned to face me.

“Okay, I’m gonna tell you something incredibly sappy and kinda weird, so you have to promise not to laugh, alright?”

I nodded with a sigh and turned towards her.

“I trust you. And I like you. Honestly, I think you’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to a best friend. And I think it’s because you remind me of my brother.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Ellie, your brother killed himself.”

“And you tried to kill yourself.”

“Point taken.”

“Look, I know it doesn’t make sense, because you don’t look like him and you don’t even act like him, really. It’s more like a… vibe. Being around you just kinda feels the same as being around him and it’s nice.”

“So you like my vibe?”

“Shut up. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

I laughed and wrapped my arm loosely around her shoulder.

“Relax, I’m just kidding. I appreciate it. Really. And you’re kinda my best friend too.”

She smiled then and leaned her head against my shoulder briefly.

Then she smiled at something behind my back and I looked at her with confusion.

“Ellie?”

“Connor, there’s someone here you might wanna see.”

She pointed at something to the right of us, by the door, and I turned slowly to see what she was talking about. Then I knew.

Standing right inside the door, with huge smiles on both of their faces, was my mother, and my stupid, tall, lanky, adorable Jude.

I jumped up from where I was sitting and fast-walked to both of them, throwing my arms around my mom.

“Hi baby,” she said, pulling me in closer to her and leaning her head against my shoulder.

We pulled away after a minute and I turned to face Jude.

“Hi Jude.”

As soon as my name left his mouth, it was like a switch flipped and his face lit up with that magic smile that I swear could solve world hunger and cure cancer and all that shit.

“Hey Con,” he said.

Then he threw his arms around my waist and pulled me as tight against him as physically possible. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his neck, breathing everything Jude and felt him kiss the top of my head softly.

“You’re coming home,” he whispered in my ear, causing me to squeeze him even tighter.

After a minute, a nurse came over to interrupt our reunion.

“Excuse me. Boys, I’m sorry to break this up, but we need to get Connor checked out.”

I reluctantly pulled away from Jude and followed the nurse up to the front desk.

We went through the process of them returning the things I wasn’t allowed to keep in the hospital and sent me with a garbage bag back to my room and I came back with it full of my clothes. My mom and I both signed a few forms and then it was official. I was free.

That’s when I looked at Ellie.

She was standing in front of the couch, looking back at me with a sad smile.

It only took a second for me to close the gap between us and wrap her small body up in my arms. While we were hugging, I slipped a small bit of paper that I wrote my phone number on into her hand.

“Text me as soon as your out of here,” I whispered to her. “My offer still stands. You have a place with me.”

After what was probably a full minute, we pulled away from each other. I saw a few tears gathering in the corner of Ellie’s eyes before she swiped roughly at them and smiled at me again.

“One more day, El. You can do it.”

She nodded slowly and grabbed my hand.

“Yeah, I know I can. But I won’t have a welcoming committee like you. My mom will probably send our maid to get me.”

I smiled softly at her.

“Hey. Even if you have no one, you still got me.”

She nodded again and wrapped her arms around me one last time.

This hug was shorter and she pulled back after just a couple seconds.

“You gotta get home,” she said, her eyes watering a little again.

I nodded and started to turn towards the door.

“Hey Connor?” She said, grabbing my wrist lightly.

I turned back to face her and she leaned in closer to me.

“Remember,” she whispered at me. “Romantic gesture.”

I shook my head and pushed her hand off my wrist.

“Bye Ellie.”

“Bye Connor.”

And then I turned and finally left the hospital behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come see me obsess over gay boys and complain about my pathetic existence.](http://mistakesandwarpaint.tumblr.com)


	26. Take Me Higher Than I've Ever Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut happens here. Sorry (kinda).

We left the hospital and my mom led us both out to her car. Jude and I both climbed into the back seat, as if through some kind of unspoken agreement, me sitting behind the passenger seat and Jude sliding into the middle seat so the entire length of our bodies were pressed together.

We rode in silence, Jude and I with our hands clasped together. At some point during the hour long drive, I leaned my head on Jude’s shoulder and drifted off to sleep.

When the car pulled into a familiar driveway alongside my old Jeep, I felt my mom’s hand rest on my knee and gently shake me awake.

“You’re not going home?” I asked Jude lazily, still half asleep and moving at a slow pace.

He shook his head and reached around me to open my door.

“I told moms I wanted to spend some time with you. Also, I didn’t know how you’d feel, going into your room, after…”  
He trailed off awkwardly and looked down at his feet.

I didn’t reply, just unbuckled my seat belt and climbed out of the car, extending my hand back to him to help him out.

Once we were both standing outside, I squeezed Jude’s hand gently in mine.

“I’m fine, I promise. I’m doing surprisingly okay. Just glad to be home.”

I loosened my grip on his hand and turned mine slightly to intertwine our fingers and we followed my mom up to the front door.

“We cleaned up your room,” Jude said as we entered the house. “After your mom moved in. And fixed your door.”

He looked away shyly with the last sentence and I smiled a little.

“I don’t care that you broke my door, Jude. You did kinda save my life.”

At this point, we were stopped at the bottom of the stairs and my mom had left us alone and went into the living room.

“Don’t say that,” Jude whispered, looking at the floor instead of at me. “I just… did what I had to. It was completely selfish, I promise. I just couldn’t lose you.”

I laughed lightly at that and started to make my way up the stairs, tugging on Jude’s hand for him to follow me.

We made it upstairs and I stopped in front of the new door to my bedroom and took in a deep breath.

I glanced down at my hand joined with Jude’s and bit down on my bottom lip.

“You know, part of me is expecting him to come pounding up the stairs screaming and start beating the shit out of me.”

I didn’t have to say who. It was obvious and Jude just squeezed my hand in silent comfort as I reached out and opened the door in front of us.

Everything looked exactly the same as I took a step forward with Jude trailing slightly behind me. My bed was still in the same place, although it was made up with fresh sheets. The shelf that used to hold my trophies had been taken down and my dirty clothes had been washed and put piles on my dresser. My skateboard leaned against the wall in the corner and the random doodles and sketches I’d done over the years were still taped up sporadically around the room.

Not a lot changed on the surface but everything felt different. There was a new peace in the air, like something in me knew that I was finally safe.

I felt a small smile tugging at my lips as I glanced around and I turned towards Jude, letting the smile take over my face.

“What?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at my sudden happiness.

I pulled my hand away and reached it up to his face, cupping his cheek gently and rubbed my thumb against his skin.

“Just… it hit me that everything is gonna be okay. I finally don’t have to worry about him. And I can just… be here, with you. And be happy.”

Jude let out a gentle sigh and leaned his face into my hand, letting his eyes drift shut for a minute.

Then, almost out of nowhere, he reached up and grabbed my hand, moving it off of his face, and took a step back from me.

“We can’t just be magically okay, you know that right?”

I bit my lip but didn’t say anything, not exactly sure how to answer him.

“I know a lot of what happened wasn’t entirely your fault. But the bottom line is you hurt me. A lot. And even though a lot of those actions were because you’re sick, it doesn’t excuse them. And we can’t just… jump back into this. Not before you put some work in.”

“So what are you saying?” I asked quietly, still not looking up at him.

“You need to go to therapy. Take your meds. Do whatever else they said you needed to do. And we need to just… stay friends for a couple weeks while you work on your shit. Then we can talk about trying again.”

I nodded slowly at him while his words sunk it. I knew he was right. As much as it hurt me, I knew he was right. It wasn’t fair to him, none of it was.

“Okay,” I said, finally lifting my eyes to his again. He looked back at me with an almost pained expression.

“I love you, you know that right?” He took a couple steps closer to me again and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

I nodded and leaned my forehead against his as I snaked my arms around his waist.

“I love you too.”

We stood there for a minute, bodies inches apart and arms holding each other, breath intermingling between us and eyes flicking to lips.

“Friends don’t do this,” I said quietly, not wanting to break the feeling of the air around us.

Jude didn’t say anything. He just stared at my face, pupils slowly dilating and his tongue flicking out to lick along his bottom lip.

“Can we just… forget it? Just for today,” I continued, still barely above a whisper.

We continued to stare at each other for another moment in silence, before Jude ran his hands slowly down my back, sending goosebumps over every inch of my skin, and settled them on the waistband of my jeans.

“Oh fuck it,” he said, then he connected his lips to mine roughly and greedily, letting his hands slip lower and grip at my ass.

I returned the kiss instantly and wrapped my hands in the fabric of his t-shirt, pulling his body as close to mine as possible. I moved one of my hands from his waist to his head, tangling my fingers in his dark waves and pushing his lips harder against my own.

Jude slipped his tongue against my lips and I parted them, letting it in to explore my mouth as I pulled him backwards towards my bed.

We collapsed on the mattress, still holding on to each other, scooting up towards the headboard together until we were laying, Jude’s body on top of mine.

Jude moved so his knees were on either side of me, caging my legs in and slipped his hands along the skin of my stomach and up under my shirt, never breaking the movement of our lips, harsh and sloppy against one another.

He finally broke away long enough to mumble out, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” I replied, my voice low and rough.

And that was all that was said. He connected our lips again and I pulled at the hem of his shirt and he broke away again long enough for me to pull the shirt over his head and for him to do the same for mine.

We continued kissing, letting our hands roam over each other’s bare torsos as our tongues gave and relented and teeth grabbed at lips. Our pulses pounded against our skin and our breath came out hot and fast.

I slid a hand down the front of Jude’s body until it reached the top of his jeans and I palmed at his crotch, feeling that he was already hard. He let out a low moan against my mouth and it vibrated through me.

Our mouths never stopped moving as I popped open the button of his jeans, pulled down the zipper, and tugged at the waistband. Jude moved his hands from my chest to help me and soon his jeans were abandoned on the floor.

I wrapped my arms around him and grabbed at his ass, pulling him against me and jutting my hips up at him.

Soon enough, my jeans were abandoned along with his and we were grinding against each other, both painfully hard against the inside of our boxers.

Everything in me was screaming for more, my mouth unable to hold back my groans as he rutted against me over and over and I felt his hard length on mine.

He finally broke away from my lips again and started to kiss and nip down my neck, rubbing his hand over the front of my boxers as he did. Then, almost in one motion, he yanked my boxers down to my knees and took me in his mouth.

“Fuck,” I let out as I felt the hot wetness around me and I jutted up into his mouth.

He placed one hand on my hip in response, holding me down and wrapped the other around the base to cover what he couldn’t reach with his mouth. He then started to bob his head up and down, jerking his hand along with it.

He moved quickly and recklessly, spit and precome pooling on his lips and I was mumbling out little whines and groans and curses in between small cries of his name.

After less than a minute, warmth was settling in my stomach and I could tell I was close to my release. I pulled on Jude’s hair in warning and he just continued sucking me down, hollowing out his cheeks.

I came a second later, spurting into his mouth and he swallowed it down easily then pulled his mouth off of me with a plop, then pulled my boxers back up.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and collapsed on his back next to me.

I glanced over at him, barely able to keep my eyes open, but smiled lazily at him, cheeks flushed red and lips swollen and pink. He was so beautiful.

Then, out of nowhere, Jude started laughing.

I lifted my head slightly and looked over at him with my eyebrows raised.

“Sorry,” he said after a minute, sounding breathless and still trying to calm himself down. “Just… wasn’t planning on doing that. Apparently I missed you more than I realized.”

I started laughing at that and rolled onto my side to face him.

“What, you didn’t come to the hospital this morning thinking ‘I’m totally gonna give him a blow job later.’”

This spurred a whole new round of laughter and Jude rolled to face me, clutching his stomach.

After a few minutes, he managed to relax and shook his head at me with an amused smile.

“You know, I could return the favor,” I told him, raising my eyebrows and giving him a suggestive smirk.

“No, it’s okay. I just… I want to forget everything and not think for a while and just hold you.”

I smiled a small at him and nodded, then he rolled back onto his back and opened his arms to me. I curled up against him, draping my arm across his stomach and wrapping my leg around both of his. He tightened his arms around me and hugged me close to him and I ended up drifting off listening to his heartbeat through his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come say hi.](http://mistakesandwarpaint.tumblr.com)


	27. Life Has a Hopeful Undertone

Jude and I spent the rest of the day curled up together in my bed and he stayed for dinner before calling his moms to pick him up.

When he left, he said goodbye and gave me a hug and no kiss and I assumed that meant we were officially just friends.

The rest of the night was spent actually talking to my mom and getting to know her again. And I got sent to bed before midnight for the first time in 8 years.

The next day I had my first NA meeting, which was beyond depressing. Yet, somehow it was weirdly comforting hearing that other people were in more fucked up situations than I was. And it was one of the things the hospital wanted me to do, so it was one of the things that could help me get Jude back, so I would endure it.

After I got home from the meeting, I slipped into my room and collapsed on my bed. I had been checking my phone every couple minutes during the entire meeting, waiting to hear from Ellie and hoping she would text me as soon as she left the hospital.

I pulled out my laptop and turned it on, then opened the internet and went to Facebook and scrolled mindlessly through statuses of people I barely knew and didn’t care about. Anything to distract me from worrying about Ellie.

Around 20 minutes later, my phone vibrated on the bed next to me and I picked it up and opened my texts as quickly as my hand could move.

_-hey con, it’s ellie. you still have an open room for me?_

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and saved her number, then typed a reply.

_-hey el. of course. i said we had to stick together right?_

I pressed send and then typed out my address and sent that to her as well. A couple minutes later and my phone buzzed again.

_-thanks you’re the best. i’ll be there in an hour?_

_-see you then._

And then I had to deal with the hard part. Talking to my mother.

I closed my computer and pushed myself up off the bed, clenching my fists together and taking in a deep breath.

“It’s gonna be fine,” I mumbled to myself. “She’s not your dad. Everything is gonna be okay.”

I forced myself to take a step forward and kept pushing myself one step at a time until I was opening the door and exiting my room and then I was down the hallway then on the stairs and finally entering the living room where my mom was sitting in a chair, reading.

I stood in the doorway for a minute silently, looking around the room like I hadn’t seen it almost every day for most of my life. Then after a minute, I cleared my throat and looked at my mom, who looked up from her book and met my eyes.

“Hi Con!” she said brightly, flashing me a smile. “What’s up?”

I bit my lip and walked closer to her, then sat down on the couch.

“Are you gonna talk?” My mom asked, giving me a teasing smile.

I let out a breath and balled my hands into fists, squeezing them slowly tighter, before I answered.

“I need to ask you something,” I said, closing my eyes as I spoke.

“Okay…this sounds serious.”

I opened my eyes to see her setting down her book and leaning forward in the chair.

“Would it be possible for me to have a friend stay here for a while?”

“How long is a while?”

“Not sure…”

She leaned back then, raising her eyebrows at me.

“I’m gonna need you to explain the situation a little bit more, Connor.”

I sighed and leaned back as well.

“Okay. I met her in the hospital. And her parents ignore her. They don’t even care that she almost died. She needs me. She needs someone.”

“She’s running away? Connor, you can’t ask me to shelter a runaway!”

“She’s turning 18 in a month and then it won’t matter. She just needs to get out or she’ll get sick again.”

My mom sighed and ran a hand over her hair, looking exhausted from the short conversation alone.

“Tell her to report her parents to social services,” she said after a long pause.

“They’ll send her to a group home. Jude told me that they never place older teenagers with foster parents because no one wants them. She doesn’t have anywhere else to go. Please.”

She sighed again and leaned towards me. There was a pretty long silence of her looking at the ceiling and me picking at the skin around my finger nails before she finally said something else.

“If her parents haven’t tried to contact her after a week, she has to call them and tell them where she is.”

I jumped up off of the couch.

“So she can stay?”

My mom nodded, looking defeated.

“It’s not fair, for anyone not to have people looking out for them. She’s lucky to have you, Con.”

I smiled and threw my arms around her neck, giving her a quick hug, before turning to walk out of the room.

“Connor?” my mom called, stopping me in the doorway.

I turned to face her again.

“Yeah?”

“You’re kind of amazing, you know that?”

“You didn’t know me before the hospital.”

“You’re sick. That wasn’t you.”  
She stood up and walked towards me, and I looked down at my feet, not able to stay focused on the loving, impressed expression on her face. When she stopped in front of me, she placed a hand under my chin and tilted it up to look at her.

“This is who you are. The loving, understand kid with the biggest heart who just wants his friend to be happy. And who’s stepping away from the boy he loves even though it’s hurting you.”

I bit my lip at that and shifted my feet uncomfortably.

“So, you figured out Jude was the one who wanted to stay friends for a while?” I asked, still shifting around a little.

“I’m a mom. I’m not blind. You are hopelessly in love, kid. And all you want is to make him happy. I’m proud of you.”

“Going to therapy, NA, and anger management and asking you to harbor a runaway. That makes you proud?”

I raised an eyebrow at her and tried to hide the teasing smile that was trying to break on to my lips.

“Surprisingly… yes. Because you’re getting help and you’re helping someone you care about. Like I said, you’re kind of amazing.”

She took another step closer to me and wrapped her arms tightly around my shoulders. I froze slightly at first, but after a second, I relaxed against her and returned the hug, letting myself become a little boy in his mother’s arms at least for a minute.

 

Almost exactly an hour later, there was a knock on the front door and a text on my phone from Ellie.

I stood up from where I was sitting on the couch watching TV and went to the door, swinging it open.

Behind it, standing on the front steps, was a pretty happy looking Ellie with a bag at her feet. I noticed that her cheeks had a little bit of color returning to them and she seemed slightly healthier overall.

“You’ve been eating,” I said, with a slight smile.

She shrugged slightly but smiled too.

“Yeah, well… a few days before you left the hospital, they caught on to my tricks and forced me to eat. That’s why I didn’t sit with you at meals. I had to eat at the nurse’s station with them watching me. But I’ve been eating almost the recommended servings of food. Only once a day but… it’s something right?”

My smile got a bit bigger and I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her.

“I’m proud of you,” I whispered against her hair.

We pulled away a minute later and I waved her inside. We walked into the entryway where my mom met us and introduced herself to Ellie, then wrapped her in a hug as well. Then, she told her the rules. Ellie grimaced slightly, but nodded, and I pulled her upstairs with me.

After showing her the guest room, which would be hers, and letting her dump her bag there, she followed me into my room and plopped down in the middle of my bed.

“Just make yourself comfortable, why don’t you?” I said with a small lap from the doorway.

“Oh I am, thanks.”

She smiled teasingly and patted the bed next to her.

“You can sit too, you know,” she said, the smile still in place.”

“Oh thanks so much for giving me permission to sit in my own room.”

I walked over and sat down next to her, shoving her lightly to make more room for myself. When we were both situated, she leaned her head on my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around her.

“Thanks, Connor.”

“For what?” I said, twisting my head slightly to look at her.

“Everything. Caring about me. Not many people do that, you know.”

I squeezed her shoulder and leaned my head against hers.

“I’m glad you’re here, El.”

“Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come say hi.](http://mistakesandwarpaint.tumblr.com)


	28. We're Broken People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well friends, this is the final chapter! Thank you so so so much to everyone for reading, either here or on Tumblr. I wrote a long, sappy note to my readers in the Tumblr post of this chapter, so I'll link my blog at the end if you wanna see that. I hope you enjoy the ending!

_One month later_

About a week after Ellie got to my house, her mom finally called her phone asking where she was. She told her she ran away and why and after about an hour long argument, her mom said she didn’t care what Ellie did with her life as long as she never came back and asked them for anything.

A few days later, Ellie found out her mom told the neighborhood that they sent Ellie off to a boarding school, claiming that Ellie was getting into trouble and they just didn’t want to put up with her anymore.

Ellie’s fight with her mom when they first talked didn’t seem to affect her at all, but when she heard what her mom was saying about her, it led to her breaking down and crying in my arms for about an hour.

 

After a month of living together, Ellie and I were basically functioning like siblings. My mom treated her like a daughter, we would play video games together almost every day, fight over the remote when we watched TV, pound on the wall between our bedrooms when one of us would play music too loud, and she would ride to school with me. She also became even more of my best friend.

Almost exactly a month after she moved in, Ellie’s 18th birthday came. My mom threw a surprise party for her. Ellie isn’t exactly great at making friends, so the party only had Jude, my mom, and I at it, but she made Ellie’s favorite food and a cake, and Ellie actually ate a decent amount of both.

A few days after her birthday, Ellie and I were sitting in my room, both playing on our phones. We were pretty quiet for a while until Ellie looked up at me from her spot in a chair near the door.

“So, how’s Jude?” She asked, in what seemed to be an attempt at a casual tone.

I shrugged.

“Okay, I guess. I haven’t really seen him much this week.”

Ellie glared and raised her eyebrows, obviously upset at me for some reason.

“What?” I asked, raising my eyebrows back at her and setting my phone down on the bed next to me.

“It’s just… you’ve been going to counseling and all that other shit you’re supposed to do for a month now. Shouldn’t you two be boyfriends again?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes, then threw my arm over my eyes.

“El, it’s not that easy,” I said, barely louder than a whisper, with my eyes still covered.

“Why not?” She asked, and I heard the chair creak as she stood up and walked towards me then felt the dip in the mattress as she sat down next to me on the bed.

I sighed again and moved my arm, draping it across my stomach and scooting down so I was basically laying flat in the center of my bed.

“He’s barely talking to me. I mean, we talk in class sometimes, but only ever about school. When we see each other in the hall, we’ll have like a couple minutes of small talk. He never texts me. And I’m too scared to text him first. What if he doesn’t even want me back?”

Ellie scooted closer to me and moved down a bit too so she was basically laying next to me and turned her head to the side to look at me.

“Con, has anyone ever told you that you’re kinda pitiful?”

I laughed and shoved her shoulder, then closed my eyes.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.”

“It’s like I said. I think you just need a romantic gesture. He was just probably trying to give you space to work out your shit, avoid messing anything up or getting in the way.”

I opened my eyes again and turned my head towards her.

“You’re probably right.” I paused and let out a long sigh. “Haven’t you ever heard that love makes you paranoid?”

“I don’t really think that’s a thing. Maybe love makes YOU paranoid, but I don’t think that’s common.”

I shook my head at her with a little laugh and turned it to look at the ceiling again. We were both quiet for a few minutes and my brain was running through ideas the whole time.

“A romantic gesture, huh?” I asked her, finally breaking the silence.

“Yep. Got any ideas, Romeo?”

I nodded slowly, a possible idea starting to form in my mind.

“I think I might, actually.”

 

A few days later, on a Friday afternoon, I texted Jude.

_-meet me in front of the school at 7?_

About 5 minutes after sending the text, I was getting too nervous just sitting in my room and waiting for a reply, so I went and knocked on Ellie’s door.

She answered after a couple knocks and sighed when she opened it and saw me.

“Did you text Jude?” She asked.

I nodded.

“Am I that obvious?”

“Nah. I just know you.”

“How long do I have to wait for him to text back?”

I leaned against the doorframe and sighed, and then slid down against it until I was sitting on the floor. Ellie took a couple steps out of her room and looked down at me with an amused smirk.

“You really are pathetic.”

I look up at her and sighed.

“Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.”

She walked a little further out into the hall and sat down next to me as I pressed the button on my phone to light up the screen and saw no new text messages.

She leaned her head on my shoulder and took my phone out of my lap, then sat it on the floor next to her.

“I think it’s better for your sanity if I hold onto your phone for a bit.”

“I just want him to answer Ellie.”

I could tell my voice came out somewhat whiney, but at that point, I didn’t care.

“It’s been like a month since you’ve talked normally. Also, he might actually be doing something other than staring at his phone waiting for a text.”

“Doing something like with another boy?”

Ellie almost groaned, then pushed her head off of my shoulder and shoved my arm.

“You are ridiculous. He’ll answer, Connor. Just chill for five minutes, please.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then leaned my head on Ellie’s shoulder.

“Okay. I know you’re right. I’ll chill.”

We sat there in between the doors to our rooms for a few minutes, not saying anything. Then, finally, probably close to 15 minutes after I sent the text, I heard my phone vibrate on the floor next to Ellie and my head shot up.

Ellie sighed and grabbed my phone, handing it to me and squeezing my shoulder at the same time.

“Good luck, kid,” she said, smiling a small smile at me.

I nodded at her and took the phone, unlocking it as quick as possible when I saw a banner reading “one new message from Jude.”

_-okay I can do that. see you then._

I let out a breath and smiled at Ellie.

“He’s gonna meet me.”

She smiled back at me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, squeezing me in a quick hug. Then she pushed herself up off the ground and started walking into her room.

When she was through the doorway and had a hand on her door to swing it shut, she look over at me with a smirk and said, “Use protection!” Then she shut the door before I could react.

 

That night at about 10 minutes before 7, I pulled my Jeep into the parking lot of Anchor Beach, the back filled with things for my romantic gesture. I stayed sitting in the driver’s seat, scrolling on my phone until almost 7, and that’s when I saw Jude walk up the sidewalk next to the parking lot.

I got out of the car and walked up behind Jude, taking in a deep breath to get myself ready to speak.

“Hey,” I said quietly, stopping about a foot behind him.

He turned to face me and a small smile spread across his face.

“Hi Con. So… what am I doing here?”

“Well, here isn’t exactly the final destination.”

He looked at me with a confused frown and I just smiled and turned around, walking back towards my car. I opened the back and pulled out a basket, a blanket, and a bandana. Then I set the basket and blanket on the ground to the side of the car, so it was slightly blocked from Jude’s view, then walked back over to him with the bandana in my hand.

“Can you trust me at least a little?” I asked quietly, trying to hide the nerves in my voice.

Jude nodded slowly, but didn’t look totally convinced.

“What do I need to trust you for though?” He asked.

“I want this to be a surprise. Is that okay?”

Jude nodded again, seeming a bit surer this time, so I took a step towards him, holding out the bandana.

I smiled at him then placed the bandana over his eyes, tying it behind his head. When I leaned in to tie it, our breathing intermingled and his lips accidentally brushed against my neck, sending shivers and goosebumps over my entire body. But I bit my lip and pulled away from him, trying to steady my breathing.

“You good?” I asked Jude, walking towards my car to pick up the things I left there.

I retrieved them as Jude said, “Yeah, I’m good. A little too curious at what’s going on, though.”

I laughed a little and stopped in front of him, then placed my free hand on his shoulder.

“You’ll know in a minute, don’t worry.”

I turned him around so his back was facing me and then led him, with my hand on his shoulder, across the empty street and onto the beach. I walked him down the beach a little bit until we reached what looked like the right spot, then I set my stuff down and untied Jude’s blindfold.

“Connor, I hate to break this to you, but I’ve seen the beach before,” Jude said, still facing away from me and looking out towards the ocean.

I sighed and rolled my eyes and gently turned him to face me with a hand on his shoulder.

Then I spread out the blanket and set the basket on top of it and took a seat in the middle of the blanket. I looked up at Jude and pat the space next to me. He smiled at me and sat down where I gestured to.

“Okay, so are you gonna explain this to me now?” He asked once he was sitting.

I bit my lip, feelings the nerves gathering up in my stomach while I tried to work out how to word what I wanted to say.

“So, the first time you and I really talked and got to know each other, we were on this beach. Somewhere around this spot actually. And I guess I just thought… maybe we could get our second chance from the same place.”

Jude looked over at me with a small smile and reached out and put his hand on top of mine. I smiled when I felt his hand and intertwined our fingers automatically.

“Okay,” Jude said, briefly smiling down at our joined hands. “But what’s with the basket?”

I smiled and awkwardly pulled it over to me with my free hand, then opened it, pulling out two wrapped up sandwiches and a plastic container of pasta and setting them on the blanket in front of us.

“I know it’s not much, but I wanted to do something. And this is kinda all I can make.”

I shrugged awkwardly, looking down at my makeshift picnic and biting my lip, suddenly feeling like it was a really stupid idea.

Then I felt Jude’s hand on my chin, lifting it up to look at him again, and he had the bright, beautiful, earth shattering smile on his face.

“This is the sweetest, Con. It doesn’t matter what food you brought, what matters is the fact that you actually thought about this and did something to make me happy.” He paused and squeezed my hand before continuing. “And I happen to love sandwiches and pasta.”

I laughed and squeezed his hand in return, then pulled mine away to grab my sandwich.

We sat next to each other, eating and looking out at the ocean without saying anything. Then when we were done, we returned the containers to the basket and laid down next to each other on the blanket.

I rolled over onto my side to face Jude and he rolled towards me as well and smiled.

“I missed you,” Jude said softly, reaching his arm out to wrap around my side.

I scooted a little closer to him and leaned my forehead against his, sighing in relief.

“I missed you too.”

We stayed quiet for another minute, staring at each other with small smiles, our breaths twisting together in the little bit of air space between us, neither of us daring to move an inch.

Finally, Jude let out a breath and opened his mouth to speak.

“So how have you been doing? Honestly.”

“Honestly? Really good. I’ve been going to anger management and NA and counseling and I’m a lot better. I mean, I still feel shitty sometimes. But I guess I kinda know how to put up with it better now. Only thing is…”

I trailed off, suddenly feeling almost afraid to finish my thought, and pulled my head away from his.

“What?” Jude asked.

I sighed and bit my lip, staying silent for a minute before answering.

“Missing you, I guess. I know I fucked up a lot, trust me. But I really am getting better. And I think maybe I could actually be good enough… well, close to good enough… for you now.”

Jude smiled almost shyly and this time leaned his forehead against mine.

“You were never not good enough for me. You were just… a little fucked up.”

I laughed a little and nodded slightly.

“Yeah, I think that’s putting it mildly.”

“I really have missed you too, Con. I just… wanted to make sure you were okay… and that I could trust you.”

“I know… And now?”

Jude was quiet for a minute and was staring at the small space on the blanket between us instead of looking at me.

Then, his eyes met mine again and he was smiling, so I smiled back, letting a little bit of hope creep into my heart.

“Now… I just want you to be mine again.”

And that’s all it took. I instantly reached out and grabbed his face in my hands and then collided our lips together roughly. Jude wrapped his arm tighter around my waist, pulling my body in closer to his. He licked against my lips and I parted them, and his tongue instantly took over my mouth, twisting into every corner.

The kiss continued, our tongues tangling together and my teeth nipping at his lips. I felt him lightly jut his hips against mine and felt my blood rushing downwards. I gripped his face tighter in response and slipped one hand around the back of his head, tangling it up in his hair. When he grinded his hips up against mine again, a bit harder this time, I tugged at his hair and he rolled us over so he was on top of me.

He shifted so his legs were on either side of mine and grabbed both of my hips tightly, continuing to move our lips together. Then, he ground his crotch down against mine again and I felt his hard member throbbing against mine and an idea slipped into my brain.

I flipped us over so I was on top of him and started kissing his neck right under his ear. I nibbled at his skin lightly and tugged at it with my teeth, continuing the process for a minute until I was sure a small mark would be left. Then I brushed my lips against his ear.

“I think it’s time I returned a favor,” I whispered, then I pulled back a bit to watch his face shift in realization as he remembered the day I got home from the hospital.

I smirked at him and started to trail my lips over his body, heading downwards. When I reached the waistband of his jeans, I undid them and let my breath ghost over the skin that peaked over his boxers.

Then I grabbed at the denim fabric and pulled them down quickly, until they were pooled around his ankles. I palmed at his crotch over his boxers, smiling up at him while I moved my hand over his hard shaft.

After another minute, I pulled his boxers down with his jeans and smiled at him again as I started to tease him with my tongue, running it over his slit. I continued to tease him for a bit more, running my tongue over his slit and around the tip and along the base. Then I took him into my mouth out of nowhere and heard his breath catch in his throat, and I couldn’t help but smile.

Later, once Jude was dressed again, I had him wrapped up in my arms and his head against my chest, the smile on my face not fading at all.

“I love you,” I whispered against his hair, kissing his head gently.  
“I love you too,” he mumbled into my shirt.

“So… can we give this thing another shot?”

Jude pulled away and looked up at me with a small smile.

“Maybe… if you ask me right.”

He smirked at me and then stuck his tongue out, not talking his eyes off mine.

I sighed and rolled my eyes, but wrapped my arms a bit tighter around him.

“Jude, will you be my boyfriend again?”

“Connor Stevens, I would love to.”

Then I smiled the biggest fucking smile possible, so big I felt like my face might burst, and kissed him again.

We ended up laying there for several more hours, wrapped up together, alternating between talking and kissing and sleeping and just holding each other. When we were silent, my thoughts were running the whole time.

And I guess I realized that everyone’s kinda fucked up. We all have our own issues. Jude lost his parents and lived places where people hurt him and treat him like shit. Ellie had family that never cared and turned herself to skin and bones. My mom was married to my dad and had a drug addiction. And I had all of my shit. But sometimes, some of us get lucky enough to find that person that will help us through our mess and be there for us on the other side. And when you are that lucky, you need to hold onto it and thank whatever fucking deity you might believe in that you have someone.

And I will forever be so fucking thankful that I found Jude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr shit](http://mistakesandwarpaint.tumblr.com)


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